Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Post #57- Cycle 2 Of Chemo Going Very Badly
I will update you in detail but I haven't posted because I have been feeling very bad since cycle 2 started. I was rushed to the Emergency Room on Saturday night (1/24/2009) because I had a severe allergic reaction. I got my weekly Herceptin infusion on 1/25/08 and the allergic reaction intensified. They believe I am having a severe reaction to the Herceptin. My throat felt like it was closing up and I have hives all over my body with intense itch and pain. My left hand and forearm are hideously swollen. They may have to take me off of Herceptin which upsets me a bit. I will blog in more detail later because I will have someone type as I dictate it. Please keep me in your prayers! All I can do is have faith that everything happens for a reason and it will work out the way it is suppose to.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Post #56- Chemo Update And What's On My Mind
I really dreaded taking chemo on Monday. It wore me out psychologically. It's hard to think about what chemo really does and in a way it seems down right barbaric. Do I have another choice .. no. So I just have to suck it up and deal with it. Since I am fighting for my life in such an extreme way I really appreciate myself more. I really respect myself more because I could lose my life. I believe that the soul is eternal but this body is a whole different ball game.
So far Chemo Cycle Two I have experienced bone pain, bouts of depression, constipation, nausea, wet mouth, night sweats and feeling like my flesh was burning on the inside while my feet are freezing cold. I haven't had a good nights sleep because I have not taken the Percocet. It's just something in me that will not allow me to take it until I'm about to loose consciousness from pain. So basically I just deal with the pain all night and day. I am really trying to take the least amount of additional medicine that I have to.
The constipation came back. I took the Senokot S and Activia. It worked today and it was painless. When I eat the Activia my stomach starts churning. The problem is when I have the pre chemo/chemo medicine it appears to stop peristaltic action in my intestines for a few days. There lies the problem. Next cycle I am going to try massaging my stomach. All in all Senokot and Activia still are doing quite well for me. I am experiencing a little pressure at my anus. My nurse told me to take a sanitary napkin, wet it and put it in the freezer. Then apply it to the netherland so if it is an anal fissure( hemorrhoid) it will go back up. Hemorrhoids were something I never thought I would possibly have, but I never thought I would have breast cancer either, go figure. In lay men's terms, I don't like feeling pressure at my butt hole!!!!
Mentally, I have had a lot of breakthroughs. I still go back and forth sometimes in my mind about the different after effects related to chemo/radiation and my breast cancer in general. I strive to stay focused and sit on my rock of Faith. A lot of people and situations that used to bother me don't bother me anymore. Some things I am still mastering. There are so many things that I want to do and I need to get it in my head that the most important thing is for me to heal and get better. Then I will be able to do everything efficiently. My thoughts about people and systems have changed a lot. I have been allowed to truly witness people who have strong character and at the same time witness people who are truly weak in character. It's amazing who stands strong throughout and those who fall to the wayside in times of difficulty. I have seen some truly selfish people and some people that have been so selfless towards me that it deems them Saints. What I have seen that disturbed me the most were the people who I had been there unconditionally for turn away from me during my time of need. I have never been one to do something for someone to get something in return but the brashness and coldness of these people really did perplex me. It taught me.. it taught me about myself and about the person I want to be. It made me to take a good, honest look at my character flaws and change them immediately. People should strive not to be characters but to have character.
So far Chemo Cycle Two I have experienced bone pain, bouts of depression, constipation, nausea, wet mouth, night sweats and feeling like my flesh was burning on the inside while my feet are freezing cold. I haven't had a good nights sleep because I have not taken the Percocet. It's just something in me that will not allow me to take it until I'm about to loose consciousness from pain. So basically I just deal with the pain all night and day. I am really trying to take the least amount of additional medicine that I have to.
The constipation came back. I took the Senokot S and Activia. It worked today and it was painless. When I eat the Activia my stomach starts churning. The problem is when I have the pre chemo/chemo medicine it appears to stop peristaltic action in my intestines for a few days. There lies the problem. Next cycle I am going to try massaging my stomach. All in all Senokot and Activia still are doing quite well for me. I am experiencing a little pressure at my anus. My nurse told me to take a sanitary napkin, wet it and put it in the freezer. Then apply it to the netherland so if it is an anal fissure( hemorrhoid) it will go back up. Hemorrhoids were something I never thought I would possibly have, but I never thought I would have breast cancer either, go figure. In lay men's terms, I don't like feeling pressure at my butt hole!!!!
Mentally, I have had a lot of breakthroughs. I still go back and forth sometimes in my mind about the different after effects related to chemo/radiation and my breast cancer in general. I strive to stay focused and sit on my rock of Faith. A lot of people and situations that used to bother me don't bother me anymore. Some things I am still mastering. There are so many things that I want to do and I need to get it in my head that the most important thing is for me to heal and get better. Then I will be able to do everything efficiently. My thoughts about people and systems have changed a lot. I have been allowed to truly witness people who have strong character and at the same time witness people who are truly weak in character. It's amazing who stands strong throughout and those who fall to the wayside in times of difficulty. I have seen some truly selfish people and some people that have been so selfless towards me that it deems them Saints. What I have seen that disturbed me the most were the people who I had been there unconditionally for turn away from me during my time of need. I have never been one to do something for someone to get something in return but the brashness and coldness of these people really did perplex me. It taught me.. it taught me about myself and about the person I want to be. It made me to take a good, honest look at my character flaws and change them immediately. People should strive not to be characters but to have character.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Post #55- Chronological Details Of Chemo Cycle Two (Day One)
January 12, 2009
1:30 am- I finally fell asleep
4:30 am- I had to go to the bathroom. I hydrated myself very well for chemo so I am a frequently going to the bathroom. I will take a liter and a half of water with me to chemo to flush out the excess. for two days I will have to stay extremely hydrated to flush the chemo especially the Cytoxan out of my bladder. Cytoxan has been known to sometimes cause additional cancers after chemo treatments. So it is important not to hold your urine at all and to eliminate frequently.
6:20 am- I get a text that my cousin has gone into labor. She was due in February. I missed the baby shower because I wasn't feeling well and I couldn't be exposed to any germs. I won't see the baby or her for months, not until I am finished chemo and radiation. Sorry I can't be there, love you! I try to roll over to go back to sleep but I just lay in bed thinking.
7:00 am- My alarm goes off. I don't want to move I hit the snooze.
7:09 am- I get up because I have to go to the bathroom. I go downstairs and fix some breakfast because I have to eat when I take my decadron at 8:00 am. I fixed an english muffin with a fried egg, cheddar cheese and smoked turkey. I am trying to have a good protein breakfast so that my cells will be ready to rejuvenate after destruction ( only the healthy cells). My knees are hurting a bit, I don't know why I guess they are not looking forward to the chemo either.
9:00 am- Still not dressed had to find some paper work. Called my Mother and my Aunt.
9:24 am- Still not dressed but kicking it into high gear.
9:50 am- Out the door and on the way.
10:20 am- Arrive at Maryland Oncology. The beginning of each cycle I see my Oncologist before I have chemo.
10:30 am- I see my Oncologist. Everything is going well. My blood work looks good. I didn't like the fact that my blood pressure was 134/82 it has never been that high. I see a correlation every time I get examined by a Doctor my pressure goes up. The MA said I have white coat syndrome, lol..
10:50 am- Finally got upstairs to the Infusion Center. I was given a calendar with each treatment clearly written out. All the secretary has to do is schedule the time that I come into the Infusion Center a month in advance. For some reason she only scheduled me for herceptin, not full chemotherapy. She said she dropped the ball. I should say she did. She got it straightened out but I could here the pharmacist bitching because he had to prepare so much medicine at the last minute. I understand but they made the error.
11:05 am- Just got the line ( needle) put into my port and the drew my blood for blood work. Now I am being infused with Sodium Chloride which is continually infused throughout the entire treatment.
11:32 am- Now I am getting my pre chemo drugs they come in one bag. Kytril ( nausea), Benadryl ( allergic reactions), Decadron ( increase white blood cells, allergis reactions, inflammation), Xantac ( anxiety) and still receiving Sodium Chloride.
11:50 am- Pre Chemo drugs are all done. Now I have to wait 30 minutes until I can start my chemo drugs.
12:03 pm- I am feeling really sleepy. My heart feels like it's beating really slow.
12:15 pm- Bathroom break
12:20 pm- Started Taxotere infusion and fell asleep
2:00 pm- Cytoxan and Taxotere infusions are done. I slept right thru Cytoxan but I did feel my sinuses sting when the Cytoxan must have been being infused.
2:07 pm- Starting Herceptin Infusion. They are moving this along quickly today.
3:15 pm-Herceptin is done and I am out. I was suppose to have my Neulasta shot at 9:00 am tomorrow but because the Secretary made a mistake I have to go at 3:45 pm. I mad because I have genetic testing tomorrow to see if I possess the breast cancer gene at 11:00 am in the same building but now I have a lot of waiting time in between. Oh well.
3:21 pm- In the car on the way to Home Depot, Walmart, The bank and The Grocery Store.
6:11 pm- Arrive home from the store. Unpack the bags and eat. I haven't eaten one thing since this morning. They didn't have any snacks in the basket today at the Infusion Center. :( I had leftovers tonight liver with onions and gravy, lima beans, rice and garlic bread. I fixed liver three days ago and it seems like it will never end, lol...
7:30 pm- We were going to re shoot a segment for the TV show tonight but I don't think it's going to happen. I am beat. The last time I had chemo I stayed up all night, not this time I can't wait to go to bed!
8:00 pm- I want to go to sleep but I have to eat again now because I am have to take my decadron (steroids). I am not hungry but I have to take this medicine with food!!!
8:06 pm- I don't want to eat. So Iam going to have an english muffin with butter and Smucker's Aplle jelly. Butter is starting to taste real nasty to me and I love butter. Everything is starting to tate like medicine.
8:17 pm- I jut got a picture mail of my Cousin's new born baby. I need to make some calls but I am beat. I'll text everyone instead, I am so tired.
8:20 pm- I am opening up the mail and I see DANNON is now sponsoring me with ACTIVIA Yogurt to help battle my constipation during Chemotherapy. Thank you DANNNON!!!!!! I didn't even know they had 12 packs of Activia!!! Wow. GOD is good all the time!!!!!!!!
9:00 pm- Still can't sleep yet because I have to take Pepcid for bone pain prevention.
9:05 pm- Going to take my shower and get ready for bed only one more medicine to take tonight.
10:00 pm- Now I am taking my Claritin for bone pain prevention.
Hopefully I can go to sleep sometime soon. If not you will know tomorrow when I post about Day 2 of Cycle 2
1:30 am- I finally fell asleep
4:30 am- I had to go to the bathroom. I hydrated myself very well for chemo so I am a frequently going to the bathroom. I will take a liter and a half of water with me to chemo to flush out the excess. for two days I will have to stay extremely hydrated to flush the chemo especially the Cytoxan out of my bladder. Cytoxan has been known to sometimes cause additional cancers after chemo treatments. So it is important not to hold your urine at all and to eliminate frequently.
6:20 am- I get a text that my cousin has gone into labor. She was due in February. I missed the baby shower because I wasn't feeling well and I couldn't be exposed to any germs. I won't see the baby or her for months, not until I am finished chemo and radiation. Sorry I can't be there, love you! I try to roll over to go back to sleep but I just lay in bed thinking.
7:00 am- My alarm goes off. I don't want to move I hit the snooze.
7:09 am- I get up because I have to go to the bathroom. I go downstairs and fix some breakfast because I have to eat when I take my decadron at 8:00 am. I fixed an english muffin with a fried egg, cheddar cheese and smoked turkey. I am trying to have a good protein breakfast so that my cells will be ready to rejuvenate after destruction ( only the healthy cells). My knees are hurting a bit, I don't know why I guess they are not looking forward to the chemo either.
9:00 am- Still not dressed had to find some paper work. Called my Mother and my Aunt.
9:24 am- Still not dressed but kicking it into high gear.
9:50 am- Out the door and on the way.
10:20 am- Arrive at Maryland Oncology. The beginning of each cycle I see my Oncologist before I have chemo.
10:30 am- I see my Oncologist. Everything is going well. My blood work looks good. I didn't like the fact that my blood pressure was 134/82 it has never been that high. I see a correlation every time I get examined by a Doctor my pressure goes up. The MA said I have white coat syndrome, lol..
10:50 am- Finally got upstairs to the Infusion Center. I was given a calendar with each treatment clearly written out. All the secretary has to do is schedule the time that I come into the Infusion Center a month in advance. For some reason she only scheduled me for herceptin, not full chemotherapy. She said she dropped the ball. I should say she did. She got it straightened out but I could here the pharmacist bitching because he had to prepare so much medicine at the last minute. I understand but they made the error.
11:05 am- Just got the line ( needle) put into my port and the drew my blood for blood work. Now I am being infused with Sodium Chloride which is continually infused throughout the entire treatment.
11:32 am- Now I am getting my pre chemo drugs they come in one bag. Kytril ( nausea), Benadryl ( allergic reactions), Decadron ( increase white blood cells, allergis reactions, inflammation), Xantac ( anxiety) and still receiving Sodium Chloride.
11:50 am- Pre Chemo drugs are all done. Now I have to wait 30 minutes until I can start my chemo drugs.
12:03 pm- I am feeling really sleepy. My heart feels like it's beating really slow.
12:15 pm- Bathroom break
12:20 pm- Started Taxotere infusion and fell asleep
2:00 pm- Cytoxan and Taxotere infusions are done. I slept right thru Cytoxan but I did feel my sinuses sting when the Cytoxan must have been being infused.
2:07 pm- Starting Herceptin Infusion. They are moving this along quickly today.
3:15 pm-Herceptin is done and I am out. I was suppose to have my Neulasta shot at 9:00 am tomorrow but because the Secretary made a mistake I have to go at 3:45 pm. I mad because I have genetic testing tomorrow to see if I possess the breast cancer gene at 11:00 am in the same building but now I have a lot of waiting time in between. Oh well.
3:21 pm- In the car on the way to Home Depot, Walmart, The bank and The Grocery Store.
6:11 pm- Arrive home from the store. Unpack the bags and eat. I haven't eaten one thing since this morning. They didn't have any snacks in the basket today at the Infusion Center. :( I had leftovers tonight liver with onions and gravy, lima beans, rice and garlic bread. I fixed liver three days ago and it seems like it will never end, lol...
7:30 pm- We were going to re shoot a segment for the TV show tonight but I don't think it's going to happen. I am beat. The last time I had chemo I stayed up all night, not this time I can't wait to go to bed!
8:00 pm- I want to go to sleep but I have to eat again now because I am have to take my decadron (steroids). I am not hungry but I have to take this medicine with food!!!
8:06 pm- I don't want to eat. So Iam going to have an english muffin with butter and Smucker's Aplle jelly. Butter is starting to taste real nasty to me and I love butter. Everything is starting to tate like medicine.
8:17 pm- I jut got a picture mail of my Cousin's new born baby. I need to make some calls but I am beat. I'll text everyone instead, I am so tired.
8:20 pm- I am opening up the mail and I see DANNON is now sponsoring me with ACTIVIA Yogurt to help battle my constipation during Chemotherapy. Thank you DANNNON!!!!!! I didn't even know they had 12 packs of Activia!!! Wow. GOD is good all the time!!!!!!!!
9:00 pm- Still can't sleep yet because I have to take Pepcid for bone pain prevention.
9:05 pm- Going to take my shower and get ready for bed only one more medicine to take tonight.
10:00 pm- Now I am taking my Claritin for bone pain prevention.
Hopefully I can go to sleep sometime soon. If not you will know tomorrow when I post about Day 2 of Cycle 2
PEACE!!
10:19 pm- My ankles are swelling and they hurt. I have a dull pain in my chest. I guess I will be up for a while now.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Post #54- Cycle #2 Of Chemo Starts Tomorrow
Cycle 2 of chemo starts tomorrow. I am not going to pack as much in my chemo bag as I did last week. I'll just try to sleep as much as I can. The last few days have been pretty hard for me. I was just starting to feel ok and here comes another round already. My face is clearing up and my appetite is good. I am living off of cheddar cheese toast, Activia Yogurt, Juices and Ensure for the most part. A few other things here and there.
I wasn't able to go produce the pilot for the TV Show Friday because I had the outpatient surgery so that bummed me out. I was able to call into the radio station and co host my Shero Segment on The Larry Young Morning Show on Wednedsday and Co Host the Deakon K show in Thursday. I had my very competent Co Producer go for the TV show taping so it was just like me going. My segments for the show have been completed already and the pilot will air on The CW on January 23, 2009 at 4:00 am. Pause For The Cause/ X9 TV Show. I saw some of the footage and it looks good. So I look forward to the editing process. I love to edit.
I have been very introverted this weekend and it will probably continue for a minute. Just trying to unwind and keep everything in it's proper perspective. I don't feel like talking much. I am not even looking at any TV just quiet time for my mind. As the days go by it hits me more and more. I have to dig deep to stay afloat sometimes. Just putting some things to rest permanently. It amazes how small things can have such great impacts on our lives. They sometimes actually can change the course of your life. We do have free will. I have learned a lot about myself from having cancer. Today I finally finished examining the essence of it all. I cried like I haven't cried in years. I needed that. I got it all out. It's so wild when people do things to you and they don't know how they affected you from that point on. They just go on about their lives and you are left to carry the burden and suffer for things you did not have any control of. I realize finally that's it's not me, it's them and if they are still hurting me it's because I am giving them that power. No one should have that kind of power over anyone, only GOD! So I say to the world that I am all cried out and ready to smile again. So this is to put everyone on notice I didn't take any bull S*** before and my eyes are wide open. So if you come at me you better come correct. If you have offended me and wronged me don't even come at me. I am done with you and it's not because I am hateful, angry or bitter, it's because I have to take care of me first. It will be about me first taking care of my temple. Worrying and stressing over fools that I have encountered in my life is dishonoring GOD who has kept me alive when I should have been dead from this cancer along time ago. So I am not going anywhere and I still look damn good to have breast cancer. Now I am just waiting til next year. My Surgeon told me all I have to do is decide what size I want to be DD, H, G, lol....So that's right haters I am not going anywhere. I am going to be the perky old lady at 90 years old that you still hate. ENFENETEE IS FOREVER SO DON'T FORGET THE NAME!!!!!!!!! I love you Mommy! You have really changed and I am glad our relationship is better and getting better and better everyday. Thank you for being open and honest with me. Thank you for understanding why I blog and not being offended. It has helped me to grow knowing the truth. So everyone read these lyrics, if you feel funny while your reading the lyrics it's just because it pertains to you, lol... I am going to highlight a few lines that I feel strongly about. Til tomorrow, PEACE!!!!!!
Jill Scott Lyrics - Hate On Me Lyrics
If I could give you the world
On a silver platter
Would it even matter?
You’d still be mad at me
If I could find in all this
A dozen roses
Which I would give to you
You’d still be miserable
In reality, I’m gonna be who I be
And I don’t feel no faults
For all the lies that you bought
You can try as you may
Break me down but I say
That it ain’t up to you
Gone and do what you do
CHORUS
Hate on me, hater
Now or later
‘Coz I’m gonna do me
You’ll be mad, baby
Go ‘head and hate
Go ‘head and hate on me, hate on
‘Coz I’m not afraid of it
What I got I paid for
You can hate on me
Ooh, if I gave you peaches
Out of my own garden
And I made you a peach pie
Would you slap me high
What if I gave you diamonds
Out of my own womb
Would you feel the love in that,
Or ask “why not the moon”?
If I gave you sanity
For the whole of humanity,
Had all the solutions
For the pain and pollution
No matter where I live,
Despite the things I give,
You’ll always be this way
So go ‘head and….
You cannot hate on me
‘Cuz my mind is free
Feel my destiny
So shall it be
To watch and listen to the song... then go buy the download!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qw3Z8Oa7E3Y&feature=PlayList&p=BFC529DEB98AABF3&playnext=1&index=2
Buy the album here
http://shop.hiddenbeach.com/index.php?target=products&product_id=29779
I wasn't able to go produce the pilot for the TV Show Friday because I had the outpatient surgery so that bummed me out. I was able to call into the radio station and co host my Shero Segment on The Larry Young Morning Show on Wednedsday and Co Host the Deakon K show in Thursday. I had my very competent Co Producer go for the TV show taping so it was just like me going. My segments for the show have been completed already and the pilot will air on The CW on January 23, 2009 at 4:00 am. Pause For The Cause/ X9 TV Show. I saw some of the footage and it looks good. So I look forward to the editing process. I love to edit.
I have been very introverted this weekend and it will probably continue for a minute. Just trying to unwind and keep everything in it's proper perspective. I don't feel like talking much. I am not even looking at any TV just quiet time for my mind. As the days go by it hits me more and more. I have to dig deep to stay afloat sometimes. Just putting some things to rest permanently. It amazes how small things can have such great impacts on our lives. They sometimes actually can change the course of your life. We do have free will. I have learned a lot about myself from having cancer. Today I finally finished examining the essence of it all. I cried like I haven't cried in years. I needed that. I got it all out. It's so wild when people do things to you and they don't know how they affected you from that point on. They just go on about their lives and you are left to carry the burden and suffer for things you did not have any control of. I realize finally that's it's not me, it's them and if they are still hurting me it's because I am giving them that power. No one should have that kind of power over anyone, only GOD! So I say to the world that I am all cried out and ready to smile again. So this is to put everyone on notice I didn't take any bull S*** before and my eyes are wide open. So if you come at me you better come correct. If you have offended me and wronged me don't even come at me. I am done with you and it's not because I am hateful, angry or bitter, it's because I have to take care of me first. It will be about me first taking care of my temple. Worrying and stressing over fools that I have encountered in my life is dishonoring GOD who has kept me alive when I should have been dead from this cancer along time ago. So I am not going anywhere and I still look damn good to have breast cancer. Now I am just waiting til next year. My Surgeon told me all I have to do is decide what size I want to be DD, H, G, lol....So that's right haters I am not going anywhere. I am going to be the perky old lady at 90 years old that you still hate. ENFENETEE IS FOREVER SO DON'T FORGET THE NAME!!!!!!!!! I love you Mommy! You have really changed and I am glad our relationship is better and getting better and better everyday. Thank you for being open and honest with me. Thank you for understanding why I blog and not being offended. It has helped me to grow knowing the truth. So everyone read these lyrics, if you feel funny while your reading the lyrics it's just because it pertains to you, lol... I am going to highlight a few lines that I feel strongly about. Til tomorrow, PEACE!!!!!!
Jill Scott Lyrics - Hate On Me Lyrics
If I could give you the world
On a silver platter
Would it even matter?
You’d still be mad at me
If I could find in all this
A dozen roses
Which I would give to you
You’d still be miserable
In reality, I’m gonna be who I be
And I don’t feel no faults
For all the lies that you bought
You can try as you may
Break me down but I say
That it ain’t up to you
Gone and do what you do
CHORUS
Hate on me, hater
Now or later
‘Coz I’m gonna do me
You’ll be mad, baby
Go ‘head and hate
Go ‘head and hate on me, hate on
‘Coz I’m not afraid of it
What I got I paid for
You can hate on me
Ooh, if I gave you peaches
Out of my own garden
And I made you a peach pie
Would you slap me high
What if I gave you diamonds
Out of my own womb
Would you feel the love in that,
Or ask “why not the moon”?
If I gave you sanity
For the whole of humanity,
Had all the solutions
For the pain and pollution
No matter where I live,
Despite the things I give,
You’ll always be this way
So go ‘head and….
You cannot hate on me
‘Cuz my mind is free
Feel my destiny
So shall it be
To watch and listen to the song... then go buy the download!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qw3Z8Oa7E3Y&feature=PlayList&p=BFC529DEB98AABF3&playnext=1&index=2
Buy the album here
http://shop.hiddenbeach.com/index.php?target=products&product_id=29779
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Post #53- Getting Ready For Tomorrow
Well I am getting ready for tomorrow. I don't have to do anything physically to prepare but I have to get my mental right. Working on my mental is important because I am my biggest enemy. Faith and positivity have to surround me. I have to eliminate all negative and toxic people out of my life. I know what needs to be done and I have definitely learned that obedience is greater than sacrifice. So I will be definitely be obedient to GOD, have faith and it will work itself out the way that it needs to be.
Monday, January 5, 2009
Post #52- Another Lump In The Right Breast- Biopsy scheduled for friday!!!
Well I found another lump this time it's in the right breast. Lol..it would have to be the right breast because the left one is gone. Before I got my Herceptin Infusion I saw the Physicians Assistant, I told him about the lump I found. He immediately called my Oncologist. My Oncologist came upstairs to check the lump. He said they saw something on the MRI that I took in November but it wasn't suspicious. He told me he was going to call my Surgeon and that it should be biopsied. So of course this is hard to swallow. Not again, I keep thinking and even why me, slithers in now and then. Then I think better now than later and I will be ok. We stayed on course I received my Herceptin infusion and called my Surgeon when I was finished with the infusion. I love the nurses at his office. when I called they told me to come right in and they fit me right in. My Surgeon looked at my lump and it was decided that Friday I would have it biopsied. So I will be back in the hospital this Friday for my first surgery of 2009. Didn't think this would be happening but this has been how my life has been going for the last year and a half. So I'll pray that it's nothing and rush the days until my mastectomy can be completed fully. I am mentally drained right now. Again this is why I want the right breast removed could you imagine going through this 5, 10 or 20 years down the road. Damn, it's hard and it's only been two months since my left breast was removed.
All I can say is whatever will be will be.
All I can say is whatever will be will be.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Post #51- CONSTIPATION!! Finally Relief!!!
Constipation is a side effect associated with over 150 prescription medications. It seems like every medicine that I take can cause constipation. Chemo constipation is the worst!!!!! Last week I suffered and suffered. I was told to take Miralax it did nothing in fact I think it made me worse, I know it made me feel worse. Yes, there are people who say I am full of Sugar Honey and Ice Tea but last week I really felt like that. Miserable, stomach pains, gas, bloated. Chemo induced constipation plus I have never been what you can call "regular". That makes for a bad mix. The Miralax did nothing. I could tell it was a lot of bowel in there and it just did not have the push it needed to come out on it's own. So I gave myself an enema in fact two enemas. It was not a good experience. I felt like I was having a baby out of my butt and once it started it didn't want to stop. The whole situation ended horribly. I could not sit because of the pressure, blood in my stool and my Doctor thought I pushed out a hemorrhoid!!! I never had a hemorrhoid before so I was freaking out. My Doctor told me to put an ice pack on my butt. I was miserable!!!!!
My chemo nurse told me to try Senokot-S. I tried it last night and I just went to the bathroom and it was pain free. I know this is not the best thing to talk about, however, when you are on chemo and are constipated it's pure hell. This may be too much information for some of you but my Cancer family can understand and I hope this helps someone else. When I went to move my bowels at first I was disappointed because it only felt like a little came out. NO cramping, no pain so I thought well maybe this is just the first one. I got up and much to my surprise bowel filled up the toilet and was coming above the water line. I never felt it come out. It just slid out. Now what other constipated people know is that sometimes when you are constipated your stools can be thin like pencils and you will experience sharp pain for this little bit of nothing. Well the stools produced from the Senokot-S were big, well formed and obviously soft because I could not feel all that come out. I know this sounds crazy but this has made my day!!! It feels so good to be free, like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. LOL, a weight has been lifted but not off of my shoulders... You can say a lot about me but you will never say I don't keep it real!!!
My chemo nurse told me to try Senokot-S. I tried it last night and I just went to the bathroom and it was pain free. I know this is not the best thing to talk about, however, when you are on chemo and are constipated it's pure hell. This may be too much information for some of you but my Cancer family can understand and I hope this helps someone else. When I went to move my bowels at first I was disappointed because it only felt like a little came out. NO cramping, no pain so I thought well maybe this is just the first one. I got up and much to my surprise bowel filled up the toilet and was coming above the water line. I never felt it come out. It just slid out. Now what other constipated people know is that sometimes when you are constipated your stools can be thin like pencils and you will experience sharp pain for this little bit of nothing. Well the stools produced from the Senokot-S were big, well formed and obviously soft because I could not feel all that come out. I know this sounds crazy but this has made my day!!! It feels so good to be free, like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. LOL, a weight has been lifted but not off of my shoulders... You can say a lot about me but you will never say I don't keep it real!!!
Post #50- Found A Lump In The Right Breast
I was examining my right breast and I found a lump. I was devastated. I go tomorrow for my herceptin infusion so I will tell my Doctor. I am so glad that the right breast will be coming off too but it's not fast enough for me. I have to wait a year until my herceptin treatment is over because the surgery will be a major dual surgery, right mastectomy and reconstruction of both breasts at the same time. This is why I wanted both breast removed. I would never be comfortable, every little lump is a trigger, a reminder and I didn't want cancer again 5 or 10 years down the road.
I have decided not to worry. I am getting Chemo and Herceptin now and I if it's going down the best time is now. Get it all out of the way. Either way it's coming off so I'll be fine. It's just that it took me by surprise. I WILL NOT LET BREAST CANCER MAKE ME PARANOID!!!! That's another form of fear and as long as I got GOD I am fine either way. I have been saying I needed to find some stress techniques to calm me. I am going to stop looking and do some today. I have to find a way to still live and be happy that has been my problem. I look at the future so much I don't enjoy today. I am going to start enjoying the present, forgetting the past and letting the future take care of itself. I can't change the future or the past so why even worry about it.
I am going to enjoy myself today watch some good shows on the History Channel. They are running a series on The Seven Deadly Sins. I wish I could say I was going to eat some good food but I can't taste it so I don't know if it's good or not, lol... I hate eating now, food is either salty, extremely sweet, bitter or metallic. YUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK! I love to eat so this is very hard on me. I'll make the best of it, I always do.
I have decided not to worry. I am getting Chemo and Herceptin now and I if it's going down the best time is now. Get it all out of the way. Either way it's coming off so I'll be fine. It's just that it took me by surprise. I WILL NOT LET BREAST CANCER MAKE ME PARANOID!!!! That's another form of fear and as long as I got GOD I am fine either way. I have been saying I needed to find some stress techniques to calm me. I am going to stop looking and do some today. I have to find a way to still live and be happy that has been my problem. I look at the future so much I don't enjoy today. I am going to start enjoying the present, forgetting the past and letting the future take care of itself. I can't change the future or the past so why even worry about it.
I am going to enjoy myself today watch some good shows on the History Channel. They are running a series on The Seven Deadly Sins. I wish I could say I was going to eat some good food but I can't taste it so I don't know if it's good or not, lol... I hate eating now, food is either salty, extremely sweet, bitter or metallic. YUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK! I love to eat so this is very hard on me. I'll make the best of it, I always do.
Post #49- Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow!
Yesterday was a day to remember. When I found out I had Breast cancer on 10/30/08 I had a fit and cut my hair off. I did this because I wanted to have control over something. It appeared that breast cancer had taken over my life and it had. Well from 10/30/08 until 1/3/09 my hair grew back like crazy. Of course it would, lol. I knew it was about that time that my hair would start falling out. The people I read about who are on Taxotere and Cytoxan have said hair shedding started anywhere from the the 8th day after you chemo treament and on. Well yesterday was day 12 for me and I knew it had started. Hair started coming out from everywhere not just my head when I was in the shower. So I knew it was time for the baldy. I have cut off all my hair numerous times for various reasons, bad color, bad cut, bad perm etc... so everyone thought this part should be a cakewalk for me. But it wasn't! It was very emotional for me because this made it extremely real. This solidified it. Something had entered my body against my will and tried to kill me. Something I had no control over. Now I have the evidence in my face. It symbolized helplessness to me. It symbolized how little control we really have. It was sad for me. It never bothered me when I cut my hair before because that was the choice I made. With this I had no choice. My hair was coming out regardless, whether I wanted it to or not. So it made the the action even harder. Should I hold onto a few strands and look like Charlie Brown or shave it all off and just wait to look like Mr. Clean. Mr. Clean won because I was going to bald eventually anyway.
When I looked at myself it was even worse. Now I look like I have cancer. I put on my Louis Vuitton Scarf ( thinking I would look stylish) and I still just look like a cancer person with a scarf. I have cancer people ears now. Because the scarf pushes your ears out a bit. Glad I have small ears, lol.... I look like I don't have hair underneath. My head was cold last night I had to put on one of my winter hats in the house. I never knew how much heat you loose through your head. My scalp is dry from the chemo. In fact all my skin is dry and I usually have extremely oily skin. So this takes some getting used to.
I got some more cranial prosthesis (WIGS,LOL). So I will wear the different ones until my head becomes to sore to wear them. Hopefully that won't happen. If so, I have some scarf ideas that I will hook up. We videotaped the cutting of my hair for the documentary that I am doing about my breast cancer. It's hard to watch it. All I can say is that it is really, really, really, real now!
When I looked at myself it was even worse. Now I look like I have cancer. I put on my Louis Vuitton Scarf ( thinking I would look stylish) and I still just look like a cancer person with a scarf. I have cancer people ears now. Because the scarf pushes your ears out a bit. Glad I have small ears, lol.... I look like I don't have hair underneath. My head was cold last night I had to put on one of my winter hats in the house. I never knew how much heat you loose through your head. My scalp is dry from the chemo. In fact all my skin is dry and I usually have extremely oily skin. So this takes some getting used to.
I got some more cranial prosthesis (WIGS,LOL). So I will wear the different ones until my head becomes to sore to wear them. Hopefully that won't happen. If so, I have some scarf ideas that I will hook up. We videotaped the cutting of my hair for the documentary that I am doing about my breast cancer. It's hard to watch it. All I can say is that it is really, really, really, real now!
Friday, January 2, 2009
Post #48- To Blog Or Not To Blog That Is The Question
Why do I blog? Why would I open myself up like this? Why are you pulling those skeletons out of the closet? Why? Why? Why? Is all I hear!!!
I decided to blog for a number of reasons.
1. After I found out that I had breast cancer I couldn't believe it. Once I began to educate myself about breast cancer I found out that the mortality rate for women under forty was astronomical and the survival rate for African American women under 40 with breast cancer was devastatingly high (like a death sentence). So because I am in the public eye I felt that it was my duty to educate and enlighten young women on breast cancer and to use my situation to show the harsh reality of it. My hope is that my story would inevitably save someones life.
2. Once I started blogging I saw that it was certain things in my life that needed to be changed no, more so addressed and confronted. Cancer like any life threatening disease puts things in the proper perspective real quick. I started seeing things for what they were, started seeing things about myself that I didn't like and prayed to GOD to help me change. Once I started examining the things I didn't like I wanted to get to the essence of why I was doing certain things. Was it nature or nurture? That in turn took me down some roads that had not been traveled down in years. Some roads I had purposely put road blocks in front of. I knew if I wanted to heal physically I had to heal spiritually and emotionally first. So I thought I had opened up a can of worms but instead came out black mambas. Just like I couldn't be afraid of cancer I couldn't be afraid of my past and the things that have happened to me. In order to be whole I had to have peace about certain things because understanding sometimes come last. So some people think I threw them under the bus but I didn't. It's really not even about you. It's about the experiences and acts themselves. What I have learned from Cancer is that you have to have faith and be fearless. So when I started blogging things just came out. Sometimes I didn't know where it was going but by the end of the blog I had gotten peace. When you are getting rid of cancer you must do it on all three levels, spiritual, mental and physical in order for you to be whole and healthy. I have had people tell me that I have helped them by sharing my life with them. They have helped me too, by letting me know that bad things just didn't happen to me, that it's not personally, it's just the world we live in. So I have given and received strength from total strangers. Isn't that what life is about. So for everyone who is embarrassed, mad or ashamed because they participated in certain negative events in my life, don't be. Embrace your inner thoughts and demons and heal yourself. I am not going to stop blogging and whatever GOD leads me to blog about I will.
I never practised SELF FIRST THEN OTHERS. I wish I had because it works. I genuinely see that once you help yourself ( which in essence is loving yourself) you automatically help others. I honestly blog for unselfish reasons so don't worry about my house. You may clean your house by calling a maid service. I am choosing to clean every inch of my house on my knees with a toothbrush so I don't miss a spot. So this is why I blog :)
Eminem said it best. For me just substitute the word Mama for the word Everybody and you will know where I am coming from.
I'm sorry mama, I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to make you cry, but tonight I'm cleanin' out my closet, I said I'm sorry mama, I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to make you cry, but tonight I'm cleanin' out my closet......................................................
I decided to blog for a number of reasons.
1. After I found out that I had breast cancer I couldn't believe it. Once I began to educate myself about breast cancer I found out that the mortality rate for women under forty was astronomical and the survival rate for African American women under 40 with breast cancer was devastatingly high (like a death sentence). So because I am in the public eye I felt that it was my duty to educate and enlighten young women on breast cancer and to use my situation to show the harsh reality of it. My hope is that my story would inevitably save someones life.
2. Once I started blogging I saw that it was certain things in my life that needed to be changed no, more so addressed and confronted. Cancer like any life threatening disease puts things in the proper perspective real quick. I started seeing things for what they were, started seeing things about myself that I didn't like and prayed to GOD to help me change. Once I started examining the things I didn't like I wanted to get to the essence of why I was doing certain things. Was it nature or nurture? That in turn took me down some roads that had not been traveled down in years. Some roads I had purposely put road blocks in front of. I knew if I wanted to heal physically I had to heal spiritually and emotionally first. So I thought I had opened up a can of worms but instead came out black mambas. Just like I couldn't be afraid of cancer I couldn't be afraid of my past and the things that have happened to me. In order to be whole I had to have peace about certain things because understanding sometimes come last. So some people think I threw them under the bus but I didn't. It's really not even about you. It's about the experiences and acts themselves. What I have learned from Cancer is that you have to have faith and be fearless. So when I started blogging things just came out. Sometimes I didn't know where it was going but by the end of the blog I had gotten peace. When you are getting rid of cancer you must do it on all three levels, spiritual, mental and physical in order for you to be whole and healthy. I have had people tell me that I have helped them by sharing my life with them. They have helped me too, by letting me know that bad things just didn't happen to me, that it's not personally, it's just the world we live in. So I have given and received strength from total strangers. Isn't that what life is about. So for everyone who is embarrassed, mad or ashamed because they participated in certain negative events in my life, don't be. Embrace your inner thoughts and demons and heal yourself. I am not going to stop blogging and whatever GOD leads me to blog about I will.
I never practised SELF FIRST THEN OTHERS. I wish I had because it works. I genuinely see that once you help yourself ( which in essence is loving yourself) you automatically help others. I honestly blog for unselfish reasons so don't worry about my house. You may clean your house by calling a maid service. I am choosing to clean every inch of my house on my knees with a toothbrush so I don't miss a spot. So this is why I blog :)
Eminem said it best. For me just substitute the word Mama for the word Everybody and you will know where I am coming from.
I'm sorry mama, I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to make you cry, but tonight I'm cleanin' out my closet, I said I'm sorry mama, I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to make you cry, but tonight I'm cleanin' out my closet......................................................
Post #47- What Happened During My Chemotherapy Session
How could have forgotten this, lol.. To tell you exactly what happens during Chemotherapy. There may be a such thing as Chemo brain after all. If it's not I sure like using the excuse while I am on chemo :)!
The infusion center ( the place where you get chemo) is set up with 16 burgundy recliner chairs. They have blankets, snacks (I like looking through the snack basket) and water. Unfortunately they don't have real food like I heard some other infusion centers have but they have a microwave if you want to heat up some food you brought from home. Plus what they lack in food the nurses make it up in personality and caring. They are really wonderful. Plus I got a gift bag (breast cancer has it's perks, I have so many pink bags and gifts) it had coupons in it and a wonderful massager. I didn't know they had blankets so I brought my own. Plus I brought a big bag of things to do, suduko, logic puzzles, PSP, journals, magazines, water/unsweetened cranberry juice, ensure...Ok I like to pack and I didn't use or eat one thing out of the bag. I just drank my cranberry water.
When I first went in they drew my blood to make sure my white and red blood cell count was high enough for me to get chemo. It was good and they gave me a sheet where they will write my counts down every chemo session so I can keep a record of it. The port worked well. The needle stung a bit because I had surgery three days prior but the pain went away fast. My veins were so happy that they were not getting abused anymore.
Next I got the pre chemotherapy cocktail. It consisted of Benadryl, Kytril, Dexamethasone, Zantax in one bag and a separate bag saline solution ( which continues through the entire treatment)
Zantac- is used to treat and prevent ulcers in the stomach and intestines
Benadryl- is an antihistamine. Benadryl blocks the effects of the naturally occurring chemical histamine in the body.
Dexamethasone-As an anti-inflammatory medication. Decadron relieves inflammation in various parts of the body. It is used specifically to decrease swelling (edema), associated with tumors of the spine and brain, and to treat eye inflammation.
To treat or prevent allergic reactions.
As treatment of certain kinds of autoimmune diseases, skin conditions, asthma and other lung conditions.
As treatment for a variety of cancers, such as leukemia, lymphoma, and multiple myeloma.
To treat nausea and vomiting associated with some chemotherapy drugs.
Used to stimulate appetite in cancer patients with severe appetite problems
Kytril- is an anti-emetic agent, used to prevent nausea and vomiting, caused by cancer chemotherapy and radiation.
So all this pre cocktail solution goes into me by way of infusion through my port. Then I have to wait for 30 minutes after it have finished to start chemotherapy.
The chemotherapy solution is made each time you come and it is based on your height and weight.
The first chemotherapy drug administered was the Taxotere. It made my heart race rapidly then it went back to normal.
Second was Cytoxan. Now the Cytoxan was a doosie. I could feel it go up to my mouth my lips felt like they were swelling. I then felt it burn my right side of my brain and in my breast. That is not a good feeling. Cytoxan is no joke. I had a few strange feelings but they said it was all normal. I have to write everything down next time because while I was going through it the last thing I felt like doing was writing it all down. I was a little paranoid because some people experience severe reactions to these chemos and I wanted to tell them every little thing I was experiencing.
Finally the Herceptin. I experienced a heart flutter when the Herceptin infusion was administered. That was not cool. Your heart really feels like it is fluttering. So by now I want to take a nap. So I tried to nap in between me going to the bathroom to urinate about every 15 minutes. With the cranberry water and the saline solution I had to go. Of course I was in the chair furthest from the bathroom so I had to keep walking past everyone. I was the youngest person in there by decades and they kept looking at me like I must have some bladder control problem. It wasn't that at all, I just wanted to flush the excess chemo out of me. They said the Cytoxan can not be kept in the bladder especially the first two days because of it's toxicity and it can cause other cancers :(. So after the Herceptin I had to wait an half hour to make sure I didn't have any adverse reactions then I was sent on my merry way.
Because of the steroid pills and the steroid infusion I did not sleep that Monday night. I was wired and the next day I had to get the Neulasta shot. It was quite an experience.
The infusion center ( the place where you get chemo) is set up with 16 burgundy recliner chairs. They have blankets, snacks (I like looking through the snack basket) and water. Unfortunately they don't have real food like I heard some other infusion centers have but they have a microwave if you want to heat up some food you brought from home. Plus what they lack in food the nurses make it up in personality and caring. They are really wonderful. Plus I got a gift bag (breast cancer has it's perks, I have so many pink bags and gifts) it had coupons in it and a wonderful massager. I didn't know they had blankets so I brought my own. Plus I brought a big bag of things to do, suduko, logic puzzles, PSP, journals, magazines, water/unsweetened cranberry juice, ensure...Ok I like to pack and I didn't use or eat one thing out of the bag. I just drank my cranberry water.
When I first went in they drew my blood to make sure my white and red blood cell count was high enough for me to get chemo. It was good and they gave me a sheet where they will write my counts down every chemo session so I can keep a record of it. The port worked well. The needle stung a bit because I had surgery three days prior but the pain went away fast. My veins were so happy that they were not getting abused anymore.
Next I got the pre chemotherapy cocktail. It consisted of Benadryl, Kytril, Dexamethasone, Zantax in one bag and a separate bag saline solution ( which continues through the entire treatment)
Zantac- is used to treat and prevent ulcers in the stomach and intestines
Benadryl- is an antihistamine. Benadryl blocks the effects of the naturally occurring chemical histamine in the body.
Dexamethasone-As an anti-inflammatory medication. Decadron relieves inflammation in various parts of the body. It is used specifically to decrease swelling (edema), associated with tumors of the spine and brain, and to treat eye inflammation.
To treat or prevent allergic reactions.
As treatment of certain kinds of autoimmune diseases, skin conditions, asthma and other lung conditions.
As treatment for a variety of cancers, such as leukemia, lymphoma, and multiple myeloma.
To treat nausea and vomiting associated with some chemotherapy drugs.
Used to stimulate appetite in cancer patients with severe appetite problems
Kytril- is an anti-emetic agent, used to prevent nausea and vomiting, caused by cancer chemotherapy and radiation.
So all this pre cocktail solution goes into me by way of infusion through my port. Then I have to wait for 30 minutes after it have finished to start chemotherapy.
The chemotherapy solution is made each time you come and it is based on your height and weight.
The first chemotherapy drug administered was the Taxotere. It made my heart race rapidly then it went back to normal.
Second was Cytoxan. Now the Cytoxan was a doosie. I could feel it go up to my mouth my lips felt like they were swelling. I then felt it burn my right side of my brain and in my breast. That is not a good feeling. Cytoxan is no joke. I had a few strange feelings but they said it was all normal. I have to write everything down next time because while I was going through it the last thing I felt like doing was writing it all down. I was a little paranoid because some people experience severe reactions to these chemos and I wanted to tell them every little thing I was experiencing.
Finally the Herceptin. I experienced a heart flutter when the Herceptin infusion was administered. That was not cool. Your heart really feels like it is fluttering. So by now I want to take a nap. So I tried to nap in between me going to the bathroom to urinate about every 15 minutes. With the cranberry water and the saline solution I had to go. Of course I was in the chair furthest from the bathroom so I had to keep walking past everyone. I was the youngest person in there by decades and they kept looking at me like I must have some bladder control problem. It wasn't that at all, I just wanted to flush the excess chemo out of me. They said the Cytoxan can not be kept in the bladder especially the first two days because of it's toxicity and it can cause other cancers :(. So after the Herceptin I had to wait an half hour to make sure I didn't have any adverse reactions then I was sent on my merry way.
Because of the steroid pills and the steroid infusion I did not sleep that Monday night. I was wired and the next day I had to get the Neulasta shot. It was quite an experience.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Post # 46- Still Handling My Business
I am trying to figure out whether I am a workaholic or is it that I just like what I do. Maybe it's a little bit of both. I have had several people email me wanting to know how I managed to be on the radio show this week and last week when I am going through this and that I should just rest. My answer is I'll rest when I die and then again knowing me I won't rest then because I'll be trying to get into something. It was a great honor to be a asked to be a part of The Larry Young Morning Show and I was asked to be a part of it a few days before I found out I had breast cancer. When I found out Senator Young told me the days I didn't feel well I could just call from home and be patched in. It's just like I am in the studio. How did I muster up the strength, you do what you have to do because there is a day coming after this one ( That's what the wise man told me). Did I suffer afterwards, yes I did. My throat was done. But I did it. Was it hard getting up, yes because of all the days and times that's when I felt like I could sleep, lol. Doesn't it always happen like that.
Blessings keep coming because I was also offered to co host another radio show on Radio One WOLB 1010 starting next week and to help develop a pilot TV show in Baltimore that premiers this month. I'll be doing the Arts/Entertainment and the Health segments. So I will be practising drawing my eyebrows on. I am not going to let any grass grow under my feet and I hope that I can be an inspiration to show people that you can be down but you don't have to out. I will take the proper precautions when my white blood cell counts are low and make sure that I get my rest. I know proper nutrition will be a must. I also know that where there is a will there is a way. GOD never gives us anything we can't handle so I know it's all good and everything is going to be alright!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Blessings keep coming because I was also offered to co host another radio show on Radio One WOLB 1010 starting next week and to help develop a pilot TV show in Baltimore that premiers this month. I'll be doing the Arts/Entertainment and the Health segments. So I will be practising drawing my eyebrows on. I am not going to let any grass grow under my feet and I hope that I can be an inspiration to show people that you can be down but you don't have to out. I will take the proper precautions when my white blood cell counts are low and make sure that I get my rest. I know proper nutrition will be a must. I also know that where there is a will there is a way. GOD never gives us anything we can't handle so I know it's all good and everything is going to be alright!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Post # 45- The Mental and Psychological Aspects Of It All
How do I feel mentally? Well it's been exactly 2 months since I found out I had breast cancer. I have had PET/CT scans, MRI's, X-rays, Left modified radical mastectomy, Left axillary lymph node dissection with 23 lymph nodes removed, Drains coming out of my sides, a port catheter installed on my chest ( that will be in my chest well over a year), I've taken over 20 different types of medicine ( I am going to make a list of all those just for my personal record), Seen over 10 Doctors, Had over 30 Doctors visits, Had Chemotherapy, Herceptin and Neulasta infusions ( and will still have it for several months to come), Had my veins poked till they turned black (that's why I have the port), Found and lost, friends and family, Moved, Became a part of a new radio show and started a journey of rediscovery. All that since OCTOBER 30, 2008.
I still have to have a lot more Chemotherapy, Herceptin, Neulasta (Over the next few months) and then Radiation. I will still have Herceptin after radiation so that puts my surgery to have my right side breast mastectomy back until after I finish my Herceptin in one year. So then it will be removal of the right breast and reconstruction of both breast at the same time.
So when I do have a moment that I feel a little normal. Which has been far and few, having one breast brings me back to the fact that I have breast cancer. Again for my mental, I wish they both could have been removed at the same time but health wise it would have been too much on my body. My chemo needed to start ASAP and chemo would have been delayed greatly by the removal of both breasts because of the time that would have been needed for me to heal. So when I look at my scar and it's not bad at all. In fact when my surgeon put my port in on 12/19 he looked at the mastectomy side and said "Damn I did a good job", lol... He did! It's just hard because when I look at it I know what it means ( I have breast cancer) and then I look at the other one and want it removed right away. But I have to wait. :(...
I have a couple weeks and I can go and get fitted for my breast prosthesis. So at least I won't look like the girl on the Oblong cartoon. I will be able to wear a bra. One side massive cleavage, the other side, lol..nothing. Well I guess that will give me a reason to shop for all new spring/summer clothes. Maybe I'll design some fly and sexy mastectomy apparel :)
I am keeping a positive attitude and praying that's all I can do. I am going to beat this because I have a second chance at life and I am not going to let anyone or anything stand in my way not even my own ignorance. I've had to give up a lot and I have been given even more since I found out I had breast cancer. My blessings keep coming so I have to stay positive. I do have my days when I just want to scream and I did say I wanted to die when I was having bone pain last week but my adopted grandmother told me Jesus cried so just let it out. I do have times when I want to have a pity party but the people around me just won't have it (Thank you). So I am good. It could have been a lot worse last week. A whole lot worse!!! I am thankful that I am alive and I am thankful that I am able to fight the good fight. I am thankful that through it all I am going to be me and that GOD has given me some powerful insight and has taken a lot of personalism away from me so that I can make the right decisions and be the Captain of my destiny in this new life I am getting!!!! Soon I'll be back on stage and I have even more plans :) Wait til you hear the new music....hmmmm. They always say you make your best music during trials and tribulations so I'm definitely seeing awards in my future. :)
I still have to have a lot more Chemotherapy, Herceptin, Neulasta (Over the next few months) and then Radiation. I will still have Herceptin after radiation so that puts my surgery to have my right side breast mastectomy back until after I finish my Herceptin in one year. So then it will be removal of the right breast and reconstruction of both breast at the same time.
So when I do have a moment that I feel a little normal. Which has been far and few, having one breast brings me back to the fact that I have breast cancer. Again for my mental, I wish they both could have been removed at the same time but health wise it would have been too much on my body. My chemo needed to start ASAP and chemo would have been delayed greatly by the removal of both breasts because of the time that would have been needed for me to heal. So when I look at my scar and it's not bad at all. In fact when my surgeon put my port in on 12/19 he looked at the mastectomy side and said "Damn I did a good job", lol... He did! It's just hard because when I look at it I know what it means ( I have breast cancer) and then I look at the other one and want it removed right away. But I have to wait. :(...
I have a couple weeks and I can go and get fitted for my breast prosthesis. So at least I won't look like the girl on the Oblong cartoon. I will be able to wear a bra. One side massive cleavage, the other side, lol..nothing. Well I guess that will give me a reason to shop for all new spring/summer clothes. Maybe I'll design some fly and sexy mastectomy apparel :)
I am keeping a positive attitude and praying that's all I can do. I am going to beat this because I have a second chance at life and I am not going to let anyone or anything stand in my way not even my own ignorance. I've had to give up a lot and I have been given even more since I found out I had breast cancer. My blessings keep coming so I have to stay positive. I do have my days when I just want to scream and I did say I wanted to die when I was having bone pain last week but my adopted grandmother told me Jesus cried so just let it out. I do have times when I want to have a pity party but the people around me just won't have it (Thank you). So I am good. It could have been a lot worse last week. A whole lot worse!!! I am thankful that I am alive and I am thankful that I am able to fight the good fight. I am thankful that through it all I am going to be me and that GOD has given me some powerful insight and has taken a lot of personalism away from me so that I can make the right decisions and be the Captain of my destiny in this new life I am getting!!!! Soon I'll be back on stage and I have even more plans :) Wait til you hear the new music....hmmmm. They always say you make your best music during trials and tribulations so I'm definitely seeing awards in my future. :)
Post # 44- It's Been Too Long But Chemo Kicked My Butt
So it's been a minute. Chemo, chemo, chemo. What more can I say, lol... I knew it was not going to be a walk in the park on a sunny day. It was more like a getting robbed during a cold winters day in the middle of most desolate place in Alaska. With that I mean you can have all the comfort in the world but when you get ice cold chills on the outside of your skin and your flesh seems to burn up at the same time while your bones appear to be being twisted by some unknown force, it's like you are in this world alone. That's when the only person you can call on is GOD and Percocet becomes your best friend.
I hate taking medicine so I would tough it out until the pain got excruciating. My reasoning and I still stand by it and will handle it the same way for my next chemo cycles, is that, I am already taking so much medicine, the chemo is killing cancer cells and healthy cells so the last thing I need to do is add one more medicine. So I only take my pain medicine when it is extremely necessary. Believe me I took a few Percocets last week.
Side effects that I experienced last week, nausea, dry mouth, extremely wet mouth, dry throat, rash, mouth sores, chronic painful constipation (that's a separate post), ice cold chills, hot burning flesh, excruciating headaches that would precede the bone aches, bouts of sudden onset fatigue, a little depression, sore throat, slight blood in my stool (when I did finally move my bowels it wouldn't stop, 15 times on Monday!!), heightened smell and loss of taste. All this since 12/22/2008. These side effects were a cumulative effect from the chemo then and the Neulasta shot I got on 12/23 to bring my white blood cell count up from the chemo.
Monday 12/29/08 I went in for my weekly Herceptin infusion. Remember I get an 1 1/2 hour infusion of Herceptin for 12 weeks straight, then every three weeks for 1 year. That went well and my white blood cell count was good. My red blood cell count was low but it always is and it wasn't extremely low. I haven't had any chest pains or shortness of breath from Herceptin so far so I am happy about that.
January 1, 2009, I feel a lot better. When I woke up, I thanked GOD because I didn't know if I would make it to 2009 for more reasons than just cancer. So to wake up to a beautiful, bright sunny day felt so good. My bedroom faces east so I get the first morning sun rays. I have some bone pain now but it's not worth taking a Percocet over yet. I still have my hair, eyebrows, eyelashes etc.. they haven't come out yet. Maybe I'll be that exception, lol.. If I am, I will be soooooooooooooooooooooooooo mad because I cut all my hair off shortly after I found out I had cancer during a fit so if I did that for no reason, lol.. Plus I want my good hair :)! I am going to try to do a little exercising today. I'll let you know how that works out, lol.
I hate taking medicine so I would tough it out until the pain got excruciating. My reasoning and I still stand by it and will handle it the same way for my next chemo cycles, is that, I am already taking so much medicine, the chemo is killing cancer cells and healthy cells so the last thing I need to do is add one more medicine. So I only take my pain medicine when it is extremely necessary. Believe me I took a few Percocets last week.
Side effects that I experienced last week, nausea, dry mouth, extremely wet mouth, dry throat, rash, mouth sores, chronic painful constipation (that's a separate post), ice cold chills, hot burning flesh, excruciating headaches that would precede the bone aches, bouts of sudden onset fatigue, a little depression, sore throat, slight blood in my stool (when I did finally move my bowels it wouldn't stop, 15 times on Monday!!), heightened smell and loss of taste. All this since 12/22/2008. These side effects were a cumulative effect from the chemo then and the Neulasta shot I got on 12/23 to bring my white blood cell count up from the chemo.
Monday 12/29/08 I went in for my weekly Herceptin infusion. Remember I get an 1 1/2 hour infusion of Herceptin for 12 weeks straight, then every three weeks for 1 year. That went well and my white blood cell count was good. My red blood cell count was low but it always is and it wasn't extremely low. I haven't had any chest pains or shortness of breath from Herceptin so far so I am happy about that.
January 1, 2009, I feel a lot better. When I woke up, I thanked GOD because I didn't know if I would make it to 2009 for more reasons than just cancer. So to wake up to a beautiful, bright sunny day felt so good. My bedroom faces east so I get the first morning sun rays. I have some bone pain now but it's not worth taking a Percocet over yet. I still have my hair, eyebrows, eyelashes etc.. they haven't come out yet. Maybe I'll be that exception, lol.. If I am, I will be soooooooooooooooooooooooooo mad because I cut all my hair off shortly after I found out I had cancer during a fit so if I did that for no reason, lol.. Plus I want my good hair :)! I am going to try to do a little exercising today. I'll let you know how that works out, lol.
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