Post #62- 2 nd week of radiation, I have lymphedema and MRI today to check for possible brain metastasis

It's been a while. I have been through a lot of ups and downs. More downs than up actually. My cycles of chemo were hell for me. The stomach pain, bone pain, headaches, plus mental stress has really beat me down.

I am back on Herceptin. I haven't had any break outs since the last bad one. If I see any signs of irritation I take benadryl right away. I am getting the full dose of Herceptin every three weeks. My bone pain has increased, it's excruciating. It's hard for me to stand up after sitting or laying down. I fight it though, I walk up and down the steps a lot and I just keep moving. I started to take glucosamine hydroitin the other day hopefully it will give me some measure of relief.

Currently I am getting radiation!! 28 days of it, 5 days a week, they are zapping me. I have 13 treatments to go. The first two really zapped my energy. They said that I should be feeling alot of additional fatigue soon and for a few weeks after radiation.

I am currently in physical therapy. I have early stage lymphedema in my left arm. I have to wear an compression sleeve and glove everyday for 30 days during the day. After that I wear it when I exercise, or feel that it is swelling. I really didn't want lymphedema it's something that stays with you for life. I have full range of motion in my left arm now but that may change as well as my staging of lymphedema because the radiation can cause the lymphedema to get worse by closing the few pathways I have left for the lymph fluid to flow through and may restrict my range of motion because it tightens the skin.

I got the results back from my genetic testing and I have a mutation on my BRAC2 gene. The mutation has been found in only three other families. So it is inconclusive as to whether I may be high risk for ovarian cancer because this is a new mutation that they don't know about. Usually a mutation on BRAC2 gives you a higher risk of breast and ovarian cancer.

Today to add to all the glamour of my life. I have to get a brain MRI because I have been having headaches and they want to make sure the cancer has not spread to my brain. OH, I DIDN'T TELL YOU HERCEPTIN DOESN'T CROSS THE BRAIN BLOOD BARRIER!!!

I have been out of sorts lately. I have tried to put up a good front but admitted that I am terrified. I feel like JOB. It seems that things just get worse and worse to test my strength. I had days when I said I wanted to die, I had days when I just cried, I had days that I just don't understand. I have all kinds of emotions running through my head, hurt, guilt, depression, regret, all the negative things. I can't seem to find the joy anymore and I am working on that.

I haven't heard from my sister since December or my father since my Herceptin outbreak. My father, I can understand a little more than my sister, we never really had a relationship. The situation with my sister on the other is just messed up.

It all started behind the fact that my sister came to me after I had just had my mastectomy and found out my cancer had spread to the lymph nodes and told me she was getting married in I think May or June 2009. She wanted me to be in the wedding and I had to buy my own dress for the wedding. Ok, this was not the time to come to me with this. She didn't see it from my perspective I am fighting for my life, little did I know I would be like this now and you are telling me about a wedding and I have to buy a dress. At that time my medical bills were $34,000. Now they are $176,000(that's another story). She then lies to my father and tells him she didn't tell me I had to buy the dress. My father calls me and says I am hating on her and I should be happy for her. I wasn't hating on her, I just had surgery and had my breast removed, the cancer had spread, I was about to have another surgery, just had found out that I was her2 neu positive and I am really suppose to be thinking about her wedding. I was happy for her but she has been married before and she is damn near 50 years old. So I am not talking about a young woman who is just getting married for the first time.

Yes, I cursed at her, I actually said, "Fu** you B*tch!" and that was only because she knew my father had prostate cancer five years ago, went out of state to the hospital when he had surgery, stayed with him to help him and never told me. Mind you this is my father and not hers and she is going to tell me the things they do is none of my business. I know my father and I had a strained relationship but by me being his only biological daughter I had the right to know. I would have went to be with him during surgery but she wanted to keep him to herself so he could buy her TVs and send her money. When he told me he had prostate cancer he acted like he thought I knew, he didn't come out and say my sister said she told me but he acted like he thought I knew. I would never have done her like this, no matter what went down between us I would have been there for her and everyone who knows me knows that. The last four months I needed my sister, it was days that I crawled up the steps, fell trying to walk, couldn't and wouldn't eat and just needed her to be there for me and she wasn't. Since I carry this breast cancer gene mutation she might have it too. It is genetic. I have never felt as much pain or received such devastating news back to back as I have since October 30, 2008.

I still have three operations to get. Maybe an elective hysterectomy because I don't want to wait to see if I will get ovarian cancer. So that would make four that I can't get until next year after my full year of tri weekly herceptin. I have forgiven a lot of people for a lot of things but my heart can not forgive my sister. I have prayed about it and I feel peace forgetting she exists for now. My father is no surprise he doesn't have paternal feelings for me and never has obviously so this comes as no shock to me. It hurts me to know that I am fighting for my life and they don't care but I am letting go and letting GOD deal with it. The pain would just bring my cancer back full blast and I don't want that.

My true friends are far and few. Some people fell off and try to come back to me now and I am not having it. I am only dealing with people who have been there the whole time. I have been so depressed, hurt and confused that I almost lost it. I going to get back on track because I want to live and I have to. Terri thank you for all of your texts they help me so much!!! Syntax thanks for the emails!! Thank you everyone who has been there for me. Cause you all have been there for me I have to be there for you and pull myself together. That's what I am doing and I am happy to be blogging again. So I'll let you know what the results of the MRI are and either way I am going to fight for my life.