Post #56- Chemo Update And What's On My Mind

I really dreaded taking chemo on Monday. It wore me out psychologically. It's hard to think about what chemo really does and in a way it seems down right barbaric. Do I have another choice .. no. So I just have to suck it up and deal with it. Since I am fighting for my life in such an extreme way I really appreciate myself more. I really respect myself more because I could lose my life. I believe that the soul is eternal but this body is a whole different ball game.

So far Chemo Cycle Two I have experienced bone pain, bouts of depression, constipation, nausea, wet mouth, night sweats and feeling like my flesh was burning on the inside while my feet are freezing cold. I haven't had a good nights sleep because I have not taken the Percocet. It's just something in me that will not allow me to take it until I'm about to loose consciousness from pain. So basically I just deal with the pain all night and day. I am really trying to take the least amount of additional medicine that I have to.

The constipation came back. I took the Senokot S and Activia. It worked today and it was painless. When I eat the Activia my stomach starts churning. The problem is when I have the pre chemo/chemo medicine it appears to stop peristaltic action in my intestines for a few days. There lies the problem. Next cycle I am going to try massaging my stomach. All in all Senokot and Activia still are doing quite well for me. I am experiencing a little pressure at my anus. My nurse told me to take a sanitary napkin, wet it and put it in the freezer. Then apply it to the netherland so if it is an anal fissure( hemorrhoid) it will go back up. Hemorrhoids were something I never thought I would possibly have, but I never thought I would have breast cancer either, go figure. In lay men's terms, I don't like feeling pressure at my butt hole!!!!

Mentally, I have had a lot of breakthroughs. I still go back and forth sometimes in my mind about the different after effects related to chemo/radiation and my breast cancer in general. I strive to stay focused and sit on my rock of Faith. A lot of people and situations that used to bother me don't bother me anymore. Some things I am still mastering. There are so many things that I want to do and I need to get it in my head that the most important thing is for me to heal and get better. Then I will be able to do everything efficiently. My thoughts about people and systems have changed a lot. I have been allowed to truly witness people who have strong character and at the same time witness people who are truly weak in character. It's amazing who stands strong throughout and those who fall to the wayside in times of difficulty. I have seen some truly selfish people and some people that have been so selfless towards me that it deems them Saints. What I have seen that disturbed me the most were the people who I had been there unconditionally for turn away from me during my time of need. I have never been one to do something for someone to get something in return but the brashness and coldness of these people really did perplex me. It taught me.. it taught me about myself and about the person I want to be. It made me to take a good, honest look at my character flaws and change them immediately. People should strive not to be characters but to have character.