Post #49- Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow!

Yesterday was a day to remember. When I found out I had Breast cancer on 10/30/08 I had a fit and cut my hair off. I did this because I wanted to have control over something. It appeared that breast cancer had taken over my life and it had. Well from 10/30/08 until 1/3/09 my hair grew back like crazy. Of course it would, lol. I knew it was about that time that my hair would start falling out. The people I read about who are on Taxotere and Cytoxan have said hair shedding started anywhere from the the 8th day after you chemo treament and on. Well yesterday was day 12 for me and I knew it had started. Hair started coming out from everywhere not just my head when I was in the shower. So I knew it was time for the baldy. I have cut off all my hair numerous times for various reasons, bad color, bad cut, bad perm etc... so everyone thought this part should be a cakewalk for me. But it wasn't! It was very emotional for me because this made it extremely real. This solidified it. Something had entered my body against my will and tried to kill me. Something I had no control over. Now I have the evidence in my face. It symbolized helplessness to me. It symbolized how little control we really have. It was sad for me. It never bothered me when I cut my hair before because that was the choice I made. With this I had no choice. My hair was coming out regardless, whether I wanted it to or not. So it made the the action even harder. Should I hold onto a few strands and look like Charlie Brown or shave it all off and just wait to look like Mr. Clean. Mr. Clean won because I was going to bald eventually anyway.

When I looked at myself it was even worse. Now I look like I have cancer. I put on my Louis Vuitton Scarf ( thinking I would look stylish) and I still just look like a cancer person with a scarf. I have cancer people ears now. Because the scarf pushes your ears out a bit. Glad I have small ears, lol.... I look like I don't have hair underneath. My head was cold last night I had to put on one of my winter hats in the house. I never knew how much heat you loose through your head. My scalp is dry from the chemo. In fact all my skin is dry and I usually have extremely oily skin. So this takes some getting used to.

I got some more cranial prosthesis (WIGS,LOL). So I will wear the different ones until my head becomes to sore to wear them. Hopefully that won't happen. If so, I have some scarf ideas that I will hook up. We videotaped the cutting of my hair for the documentary that I am doing about my breast cancer. It's hard to watch it. All I can say is that it is really, really, really, real now!