Post # 45- The Mental and Psychological Aspects Of It All

How do I feel mentally? Well it's been exactly 2 months since I found out I had breast cancer. I have had PET/CT scans, MRI's, X-rays, Left modified radical mastectomy, Left axillary lymph node dissection with 23 lymph nodes removed, Drains coming out of my sides, a port catheter installed on my chest ( that will be in my chest well over a year), I've taken over 20 different types of medicine ( I am going to make a list of all those just for my personal record), Seen over 10 Doctors, Had over 30 Doctors visits, Had Chemotherapy, Herceptin and Neulasta infusions ( and will still have it for several months to come), Had my veins poked till they turned black (that's why I have the port), Found and lost, friends and family, Moved, Became a part of a new radio show and started a journey of rediscovery. All that since OCTOBER 30, 2008.

I still have to have a lot more Chemotherapy, Herceptin, Neulasta (Over the next few months) and then Radiation. I will still have Herceptin after radiation so that puts my surgery to have my right side breast mastectomy back until after I finish my Herceptin in one year. So then it will be removal of the right breast and reconstruction of both breast at the same time.

So when I do have a moment that I feel a little normal. Which has been far and few, having one breast brings me back to the fact that I have breast cancer. Again for my mental, I wish they both could have been removed at the same time but health wise it would have been too much on my body. My chemo needed to start ASAP and chemo would have been delayed greatly by the removal of both breasts because of the time that would have been needed for me to heal. So when I look at my scar and it's not bad at all. In fact when my surgeon put my port in on 12/19 he looked at the mastectomy side and said "Damn I did a good job", lol... He did! It's just hard because when I look at it I know what it means ( I have breast cancer) and then I look at the other one and want it removed right away. But I have to wait. :(...

I have a couple weeks and I can go and get fitted for my breast prosthesis. So at least I won't look like the girl on the Oblong cartoon. I will be able to wear a bra. One side massive cleavage, the other side, lol..nothing. Well I guess that will give me a reason to shop for all new spring/summer clothes. Maybe I'll design some fly and sexy mastectomy apparel :)

I am keeping a positive attitude and praying that's all I can do. I am going to beat this because I have a second chance at life and I am not going to let anyone or anything stand in my way not even my own ignorance. I've had to give up a lot and I have been given even more since I found out I had breast cancer. My blessings keep coming so I have to stay positive. I do have my days when I just want to scream and I did say I wanted to die when I was having bone pain last week but my adopted grandmother told me Jesus cried so just let it out. I do have times when I want to have a pity party but the people around me just won't have it (Thank you). So I am good. It could have been a lot worse last week. A whole lot worse!!! I am thankful that I am alive and I am thankful that I am able to fight the good fight. I am thankful that through it all I am going to be me and that GOD has given me some powerful insight and has taken a lot of personalism away from me so that I can make the right decisions and be the Captain of my destiny in this new life I am getting!!!! Soon I'll be back on stage and I have even more plans :) Wait til you hear the new music....hmmmm. They always say you make your best music during trials and tribulations so I'm definitely seeing awards in my future. :)