Saturday, November 29, 2008
Post #27- Things Will Never Be The Same, Saturday, November 29, 2008
I'm jumping around because I have to. There are a lot of things that have happened between 11/21 and today (11/29) and I will get back to those things because they are very important. Since last night I have been on edge. When you realize your life has changed for good it can be devastating. When you know and FINALLY ACCEPT that you and GOD are all that you really have is liberating in one sense because you know GOD will always be there, always be strong and never waiver. That's faith in a nut shell. However, when you are here on earth there are things as a human being you need. Food, shelter and clothing......I have all of those things. When you are dealing with cancer your needs become greater. Unfortunately I perceived that all my needs were not being met so I had to examine my situation and thought patterns. I believe and have faith that I am being allowed to go through a lot of things because I am stronger than I think I am and have not yet taped into my reserves of strength, determination and will power. Have you ever had someone be there all your life and you take for granted that they will always be there. Whether it be physically or emotionally they have your back. Then you realize and you see that they are only human like you and that they have to get their life in order to save there self. Of course this always seems to happens when you think you need them the most. That's the situation I am in. This is how I see it everything happens for a reason and GOD is a jealous GOD. My contentment and comfort is and should be a result of my faith and relationship with GOD, not a human being. I have been reading about the negative effects of chemo and radiation. Thinking about my dual surgery I have to get. Thinking about the statistical reoccurrences of cancer , especially since I am so young. Thinking about all the after effects that may happen that I read about. Thinking about that I'm staying somewhere where I really shouldn't have to and should really be with my family and they should be taking care of me but their situations don't permit it. Thinking about how my so called friends and family should act and are bullshit. Thinking about how strangers are there for me and offering and doing things that my so called people should be doing. Thinking about how everyone swung my my ass when they perceived I was on top. True friends, ha ha ha..... Glorified groupies more like it. Thinking about what the pathology report will say Thursday. Thinking about getting a port placed in my body so they can take blood, administer chemo and administer contrast. Thinking about how the person who has so freely opened up their life and will sacrifice months of their life has their own shit to deal with. Oh and it's so much more...... but at the end of the day I realize this is a heavy burden for someone to bear and the only person who truly can take the load and burden off of me is GOD no one else because that's the only person who can carry everybody's loads and not waiver. I have a long fiery road to go down and I may turn to ashes but out of the ashes I will rise like the Phoenix. I'm coming back in every aspect of my life stronger, harder and with new armor. So to my friend who is likened to Superman ( I know you will read this) maybe you are going though your transition now so when I am renewed you will be renewed to. I understand the teachings quit well now. SELF FIRST THEN OTHERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like you said there will be a day after this one, so each person must prepare for their new day.
Post #26- Day After Surgery- Friday, November 21, 2008
Of course I had drama that night after surgery. Seems the person in the room next to me liked to use a lot of toilet paper and their toilet backed up into my bathroom. Just my luck. I did well that night, I stopped taking the pain meds and haven't taken any since I got home. Not even a Tylenol. The morning after the surgery I felt very nauseous. The nurse gave me some anti nausea medicine through my IV. It burned so bad going in and it made me very sleepy. Actually that was the first time some medicine really made me feel good and sleepy. Unfortunately, I couldn't sleep because the physical therapist came to show me the exercises I needed to start doing to preserve the motion in my arm and assist the drains in eliminating blood and lymph fluid. Basically I told her I would look at the pictures when I got home because I was on another planet.Everyone had called that morning but I was not able to answer the phone that nausea medicine had me going. That would have been a great sleep had I not had a thousand and one interruptions. One being food service asking what I wanted to eat. Like I could get anything other than that nasty fatty broth. I think I told them to call me back.
My surgeon had told me I would probably get discharged the day after surgery but he wouldn't be able to see me until sometime in the evening to discharge me. I didn't have any visitors early in the day because everyone was at work. However, My Father drove up and arrived in the afternoon. He brought me some pretty pink roses. It was a little awkward because we haven't seen each other in a long while and last time we saw each other was when my brother was killed in an auto accident. He stayed for an hour or so and then went back to his hotel room because he had had a six hour drive to come see me. GOD is good and sure does have a plan that I know nothing about because I never thought my Father even cared about me, let alone would have driven all that way to come see me.
While my Father was there, my IV went through my vein and into my muscle. My forearm swelled up like I was Popeye and had just ate some spinach, lol. It wasn't funny then because that thing hurt until they took the IV out!!! You know I was still hungry, not eating for almost two days can do that to you. So about 5pm I asked the nurse can a sister get some solid food. She called the Dr and they said yes. I got on the phone so quick to call food service because you have to order your food before 6:30pm. I ordered turkey with stuffing and gravy, a roll, spinach, apple juice, cranberry juice and vanilla ice cream. The food got there about 5:30pm.Yeah!!!! The turkey was a big grilled conglomeration, the stuffing was a ice cream scoop situation, the spinach ..was spinach..lol..When I started to eat my stomach cramped up bad. I was a little gaseous and it hurt. It felt like I was pushing the gas out when I ate so that's what I did to help get my body regulated, lol...By now the crew started arriving individually and food service brought up another tray for my room mate that had been discharged early that day. They told us to keep it and eat it. So you know we did. It was herb crusted tilapia, spaghetti/marinara, string beans, cole slaw,fruit cup, tea, milk.. I guess she was kind of greedy because that was a lot of food. Thanks Roomy they tore the food up.
My surgeon came in about 7pm and checked me out. He didn't take the dressing off because he wanted me to come to the office on Monday. He showed me how to drain my drains and told me he was going to discharge me. That was fine with me because I was ready to go. A lot of people were planning to come see me on Saturday in the hospital but they got a shock because I was out of there and glad I was. I was glad when my roommate left she was a pain with her loud family and they had the nerve to bring food in when I was on all liquids. She never spoke to me until she was leaving. I did speak to her the night I came in. Plus she was nasty in the bathroom. I had to clean up the bathroom when I went in after her. She would just throw the paper towels on the floor. She was bragging about the fact that her son was a Doctor in India so the nurse asked her well why are you here then. LOL... All in all I was glad to go home. 24 hours in the hospital was definitely enough. They sent me home with a prescription for percocet and I didn't even need antibiotics. I filled the prescription but I haven't taken one of the percocet. I thank GOD I made it through the surgery. I am 1/4 way to recovery I pray!!! I have faith that there won't be any unexpected road blocks in my way but if there is one I will kick it then crush it. I don't have any choice!!!!!!! I WANT TO LIVE!
My surgeon had told me I would probably get discharged the day after surgery but he wouldn't be able to see me until sometime in the evening to discharge me. I didn't have any visitors early in the day because everyone was at work. However, My Father drove up and arrived in the afternoon. He brought me some pretty pink roses. It was a little awkward because we haven't seen each other in a long while and last time we saw each other was when my brother was killed in an auto accident. He stayed for an hour or so and then went back to his hotel room because he had had a six hour drive to come see me. GOD is good and sure does have a plan that I know nothing about because I never thought my Father even cared about me, let alone would have driven all that way to come see me.
While my Father was there, my IV went through my vein and into my muscle. My forearm swelled up like I was Popeye and had just ate some spinach, lol. It wasn't funny then because that thing hurt until they took the IV out!!! You know I was still hungry, not eating for almost two days can do that to you. So about 5pm I asked the nurse can a sister get some solid food. She called the Dr and they said yes. I got on the phone so quick to call food service because you have to order your food before 6:30pm. I ordered turkey with stuffing and gravy, a roll, spinach, apple juice, cranberry juice and vanilla ice cream. The food got there about 5:30pm.Yeah!!!! The turkey was a big grilled conglomeration, the stuffing was a ice cream scoop situation, the spinach ..was spinach..lol..When I started to eat my stomach cramped up bad. I was a little gaseous and it hurt. It felt like I was pushing the gas out when I ate so that's what I did to help get my body regulated, lol...By now the crew started arriving individually and food service brought up another tray for my room mate that had been discharged early that day. They told us to keep it and eat it. So you know we did. It was herb crusted tilapia, spaghetti/marinara, string beans, cole slaw,fruit cup, tea, milk.. I guess she was kind of greedy because that was a lot of food. Thanks Roomy they tore the food up.
My surgeon came in about 7pm and checked me out. He didn't take the dressing off because he wanted me to come to the office on Monday. He showed me how to drain my drains and told me he was going to discharge me. That was fine with me because I was ready to go. A lot of people were planning to come see me on Saturday in the hospital but they got a shock because I was out of there and glad I was. I was glad when my roommate left she was a pain with her loud family and they had the nerve to bring food in when I was on all liquids. She never spoke to me until she was leaving. I did speak to her the night I came in. Plus she was nasty in the bathroom. I had to clean up the bathroom when I went in after her. She would just throw the paper towels on the floor. She was bragging about the fact that her son was a Doctor in India so the nurse asked her well why are you here then. LOL... All in all I was glad to go home. 24 hours in the hospital was definitely enough. They sent me home with a prescription for percocet and I didn't even need antibiotics. I filled the prescription but I haven't taken one of the percocet. I thank GOD I made it through the surgery. I am 1/4 way to recovery I pray!!! I have faith that there won't be any unexpected road blocks in my way but if there is one I will kick it then crush it. I don't have any choice!!!!!!! I WANT TO LIVE!
Friday, November 28, 2008
Post #25- Surgery (Modified Radical Mastectomy and Axillary Lymph Node Removal- November 20, 2008
Been a minute. I have a lot to blog about so I will break it up into separate blogs. The surgery!!! It went very good. This is what was done to the the left breast.
I had a Modified radical mastectomy: removal of the entire breast, nipple/areolar region, and often the axillary lymph nodes. This is the most common form of mastectomy performed today.*
And
Axillary node dissection, the surgical removal of the axillary (armpit) lymph nodes, is usually performed on patients with invasive cancers. A radical mastectomy, modified radical mastectomy, or lumpectomy operation often includes axillary node dissection (this involves a separate incision for lumpectomy patients). After surgery, the axillary lymph nodes are examined under a microscope to determine whether the cancer has spread past the breast and to evaluate treatment options.
The most common side effect of axillary node dissection is lymphedema: chronic swelling of the arm. Approximately 10% to 20% of patients typically experience lymphedema when axillary node dissection is combined with radiation therapy. Patients are encouraged to report any tightness or swelling of the arm to their physicians as soon as symptoms occur to prevent possible long-term suffering. Other side effects of axillary node dissection include temporary to permanent limitations of arm and shoulder movement and numbness in the upper-arm skin.
Side effects of axillary node dissection:
lymphedema (swelling of the arm)
limitations of arm/shoulder movement
numbness of upper-arm skin
My right breast will be removed before I get reconstruction. They tricked me this time because my Surgeon and the anesthesiologist came in to talk to me before the surgery. The anesthesiologist put something in my IV. I thought it would be like the surgery in October where she gave me a pre dose then I got the knock out dose in the operating room. Didn't happen!!! She gave me the knock out dose in pre op. Last thing I remember was fussing at my friend because he had been videotaping me all morning and in pre op. He had been saying a lot of Fruedian slips. The last thing he said was " Do you have any last words before surgery". The nurse and I were like last words, lol...Then next thing I know I am waking up in the in the operating room getting ready to be wheeled into recovery. I definitely had pain when I went into the recovery room. My surgery was 3 hours long anf it seemed like just a minute had gone by. I stayed in recovery 4 hours and got some pain meds :). The hospital was full that's why I waited in recovery so long. By the time I was wheeled into my room I was good to go I told the nurse I could walk to my bed I didn't need them to get me a wheel chair. So I walked into the room and they put compressions on my legs. The pain wasn't that bad but I developed a terrible sinus headache and my eyes were so dry. I felt very dehydrated. Everyone came in they had been waiting since early in the morning. My surgery had been scheduled for 11 am but they ran over in the O.R. so the didn't take me into surgery until about 12 noon. I got into my room about 7:30pm. It was a long day!!! Nothing had hit me yet. I was just glad to have the cancerous parts of my body removed. While everyone was there I went to the bathroom by myself right after surgery. I was so proud of myself. I was determined that I would use the bathroom alone. So when I had to go I would unplug my IV pole from the wall, take off my leg compressions and keep it moving. The only thing I hate about IV infusion poles is that when you feel like you have to go there is no leeway in between. You better get up and move or else. Everybody left about 10pm. I wanted to eat I was hungry,lol..the nurse said I couldn't eat but she did bring some water and apple juice. I don't like hospital water it taste funny, kinda like I would imagine toilet water might taste. It's kinda funky so I drank the apple juice. After everyone left I got my pain meds. Everything felt fine with me except for the two drains that were hanging out of me. They had turkey baster bulbs on the end and the nurses had to drain them and record the output.
I had a Modified radical mastectomy: removal of the entire breast, nipple/areolar region, and often the axillary lymph nodes. This is the most common form of mastectomy performed today.*
And
Axillary node dissection, the surgical removal of the axillary (armpit) lymph nodes, is usually performed on patients with invasive cancers. A radical mastectomy, modified radical mastectomy, or lumpectomy operation often includes axillary node dissection (this involves a separate incision for lumpectomy patients). After surgery, the axillary lymph nodes are examined under a microscope to determine whether the cancer has spread past the breast and to evaluate treatment options.
The most common side effect of axillary node dissection is lymphedema: chronic swelling of the arm. Approximately 10% to 20% of patients typically experience lymphedema when axillary node dissection is combined with radiation therapy. Patients are encouraged to report any tightness or swelling of the arm to their physicians as soon as symptoms occur to prevent possible long-term suffering. Other side effects of axillary node dissection include temporary to permanent limitations of arm and shoulder movement and numbness in the upper-arm skin.
Side effects of axillary node dissection:
lymphedema (swelling of the arm)
limitations of arm/shoulder movement
numbness of upper-arm skin
My right breast will be removed before I get reconstruction. They tricked me this time because my Surgeon and the anesthesiologist came in to talk to me before the surgery. The anesthesiologist put something in my IV. I thought it would be like the surgery in October where she gave me a pre dose then I got the knock out dose in the operating room. Didn't happen!!! She gave me the knock out dose in pre op. Last thing I remember was fussing at my friend because he had been videotaping me all morning and in pre op. He had been saying a lot of Fruedian slips. The last thing he said was " Do you have any last words before surgery". The nurse and I were like last words, lol...Then next thing I know I am waking up in the in the operating room getting ready to be wheeled into recovery. I definitely had pain when I went into the recovery room. My surgery was 3 hours long anf it seemed like just a minute had gone by. I stayed in recovery 4 hours and got some pain meds :). The hospital was full that's why I waited in recovery so long. By the time I was wheeled into my room I was good to go I told the nurse I could walk to my bed I didn't need them to get me a wheel chair. So I walked into the room and they put compressions on my legs. The pain wasn't that bad but I developed a terrible sinus headache and my eyes were so dry. I felt very dehydrated. Everyone came in they had been waiting since early in the morning. My surgery had been scheduled for 11 am but they ran over in the O.R. so the didn't take me into surgery until about 12 noon. I got into my room about 7:30pm. It was a long day!!! Nothing had hit me yet. I was just glad to have the cancerous parts of my body removed. While everyone was there I went to the bathroom by myself right after surgery. I was so proud of myself. I was determined that I would use the bathroom alone. So when I had to go I would unplug my IV pole from the wall, take off my leg compressions and keep it moving. The only thing I hate about IV infusion poles is that when you feel like you have to go there is no leeway in between. You better get up and move or else. Everybody left about 10pm. I wanted to eat I was hungry,lol..the nurse said I couldn't eat but she did bring some water and apple juice. I don't like hospital water it taste funny, kinda like I would imagine toilet water might taste. It's kinda funky so I drank the apple juice. After everyone left I got my pain meds. Everything felt fine with me except for the two drains that were hanging out of me. They had turkey baster bulbs on the end and the nurses had to drain them and record the output.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Post #24- MY SURGERY HAS BEEN PUSHED UP, IT'S TOMORROW!!!
I haven't been blogging because my surgery was pushed up to 11/20 and that's tomorrow!!!! So I have been running around preparing things because my world is about to change for a bit. I know I will come out a stronger person from all of this. I am not scared, I have faith in GOD that everything will go well tomorrow. I am going to do a short video blog to let you know how I am doing after the surgery. Then I'll blog as soon as I am well enough, however until then, I will get one of my friends to post the updates for me. Talk to you soon. :)
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Post #23- It's Getting Better
It's been three days since I posted. I have been digesting all the news from the Doctors and coming to grips with the fact that this is really happening. Some of the news I have gotten has been shocking to say the least not just to me but to those few people around me who are really genuine ( oh that's another post coming soon entitled What About Your Friends, lol). It has been so much I am going to number each one because it is a story by itself.
1. I found out that this cancer has been growing in me for over 10 years. WELL OVER TEN YEARS!!!!! They told me I should have been dead years ago. My Oncologist called me a miracle baby because he said he has never seen cancer in someone this long and it not spread to the bones. That explained why he was so happy when he told me it was localized to the breast and had only gotten to the axillary lymph nodes. He asked did I have a strong faith and my friend told him yes. I know he is definitely a believer now because the only explanation is GOD!!!! A lot of things go through your mind when you are told you should have been dead years ago. It's taken me three days to come to grips with that idea alone. The fact that I could have dropped dead any second, however, I didn't. The main thing is that GOD kept me alive and kept the cancer from spreading all over my body for WELL OVER TEN YEARS!!!!! The Doctor told me that because my cancer is rare had they found it ten or fifteen years ago they would have not known what it was. They didn't have the technology or information about this until the last three years. It's mind blowing!!!! GOD IS REAL AND IF YOU DON'T KNOW I CAN PROVE IT TO YOU FOR DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!! So I have just been in my own world these last few days.
2. The Treatment- Well I thought I was getting both breast taken at the same time but I won't be. One will be taken on Dec 2, 2008 ( that's my surgery date, another story, lol) the other will be taken after chemo and radiation treatment. It will be a dual surgery with the mastectomy of the right breast and reconstruction at the same time. My thing was I didn't want to be like that character on the cartoon The Oblongs. The one that has one breast and one tooth. At least I have my teeth, lol. During these last three days I have come to terms with that also. For me and my condition my doctor thought that it would be best to remove one breast at a time. This way it won't be so traumatic to my body and this will make my recovery and treatment process alot easier on me.
2b. I busted into tears when I heard the surgery wasn't until December 2nd. Then I said well it's been in me for over 10 years and GOD has had my back so 21 more days aren't going to hurt me. So I came to terms with that. Plus now I will be able to have Thanksgiving dinner with my family and this year I have something to DEFINITELY be thankful for!!! That proves though you be thankful all the time because GOD is working and helping you when you don't even know it. I learned that lesson. :)
3. I am still meditating on FAITH and how powerful it is. I just can't say enough about it. When I am down it lifts me up. I learned over these last three days that I can go through this experience and feel it. So if I feel sad it does not mean I don't have faith it means I am human. Now if a person can't shake it and wallows in grief and pain then that's a problem. I stay strong in my faith. Cancer makes you or breaks you. It really let's you know how strong you are and just how strong your relationship is with GOD. No I don't like having cancer it's definitely not like when I enjoy a piece of vanilla bean cheesecake, lol. It is liberating though because the dumb stuff really seems dumb!!! All this was already written and this had to happen to complete my development.
4. Then I just had to deal with the facts about chemo and radiation. I had to take it all in. So my last three days have been somewhat of a self imposed sabbatical. More sabbaticals will come so if I disappear for a couple days I will be back. I am not going anywhere!!! :)
1. I found out that this cancer has been growing in me for over 10 years. WELL OVER TEN YEARS!!!!! They told me I should have been dead years ago. My Oncologist called me a miracle baby because he said he has never seen cancer in someone this long and it not spread to the bones. That explained why he was so happy when he told me it was localized to the breast and had only gotten to the axillary lymph nodes. He asked did I have a strong faith and my friend told him yes. I know he is definitely a believer now because the only explanation is GOD!!!! A lot of things go through your mind when you are told you should have been dead years ago. It's taken me three days to come to grips with that idea alone. The fact that I could have dropped dead any second, however, I didn't. The main thing is that GOD kept me alive and kept the cancer from spreading all over my body for WELL OVER TEN YEARS!!!!! The Doctor told me that because my cancer is rare had they found it ten or fifteen years ago they would have not known what it was. They didn't have the technology or information about this until the last three years. It's mind blowing!!!! GOD IS REAL AND IF YOU DON'T KNOW I CAN PROVE IT TO YOU FOR DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!! So I have just been in my own world these last few days.
2. The Treatment- Well I thought I was getting both breast taken at the same time but I won't be. One will be taken on Dec 2, 2008 ( that's my surgery date, another story, lol) the other will be taken after chemo and radiation treatment. It will be a dual surgery with the mastectomy of the right breast and reconstruction at the same time. My thing was I didn't want to be like that character on the cartoon The Oblongs. The one that has one breast and one tooth. At least I have my teeth, lol. During these last three days I have come to terms with that also. For me and my condition my doctor thought that it would be best to remove one breast at a time. This way it won't be so traumatic to my body and this will make my recovery and treatment process alot easier on me.
2b. I busted into tears when I heard the surgery wasn't until December 2nd. Then I said well it's been in me for over 10 years and GOD has had my back so 21 more days aren't going to hurt me. So I came to terms with that. Plus now I will be able to have Thanksgiving dinner with my family and this year I have something to DEFINITELY be thankful for!!! That proves though you be thankful all the time because GOD is working and helping you when you don't even know it. I learned that lesson. :)
3. I am still meditating on FAITH and how powerful it is. I just can't say enough about it. When I am down it lifts me up. I learned over these last three days that I can go through this experience and feel it. So if I feel sad it does not mean I don't have faith it means I am human. Now if a person can't shake it and wallows in grief and pain then that's a problem. I stay strong in my faith. Cancer makes you or breaks you. It really let's you know how strong you are and just how strong your relationship is with GOD. No I don't like having cancer it's definitely not like when I enjoy a piece of vanilla bean cheesecake, lol. It is liberating though because the dumb stuff really seems dumb!!! All this was already written and this had to happen to complete my development.
4. Then I just had to deal with the facts about chemo and radiation. I had to take it all in. So my last three days have been somewhat of a self imposed sabbatical. More sabbaticals will come so if I disappear for a couple days I will be back. I am not going anywhere!!! :)
Monday, November 10, 2008
Post #22- A Good Cry Is Very Liberating
I had a good cry. I feel good now. Back to business, lol... I saw the Radiological Oncologist today. She was wonderful I even got my first breast cancer tote bag. It's pink and cute. I also got my very own pink hospital gown. I think I am going to bling it out with some rhinestones.
Well on to the treatment plan. It is a little different than I expected however, it's even better. They are going to take both breast but not at the same time. First I will be getting a mastectomy on my left breast alone. My recovery time will be shortened tremendously in contrast to removing both breasts at one time. This will also allow me to start Chemo sooner which is great since my cancer is aggressive. So I am looking at 6 months of chemo then a couple months of radiation followed by a dual surgery with a mastectomy of the right breast and reconstruction of both breasts all at the same time. So I am happy just as long as both will be removed and I'll be healthy. It's crazy because every Doctor I see says your healthy and I am like are you forgetting something, lol....I will consider myself healthy once this is GONE!!!!!! The great news is that the radiologist said if I opted not to get the radiation treatment it would be a 25% chance it would come back. If I get the radiation it would be less then 5%. That's a no brainer. Zap me and make me an X-Men!!!!!! I never thought the highlight of my day would ever be surgery, chemo or radiation, lmao.. however, when that is what it will take for you to live, you see it in a totally different light.
You know I have been talking about McDonald fish filets. Well can you believe they are 99 cents until 11/16. I said someone up there really likes me :). Quiet as it is kept.... I got three today and ate one before I could drive off of the parking lot...lol. That satisfied my urge, now to the veggies, fruits and lean meats.
Well on to the treatment plan. It is a little different than I expected however, it's even better. They are going to take both breast but not at the same time. First I will be getting a mastectomy on my left breast alone. My recovery time will be shortened tremendously in contrast to removing both breasts at one time. This will also allow me to start Chemo sooner which is great since my cancer is aggressive. So I am looking at 6 months of chemo then a couple months of radiation followed by a dual surgery with a mastectomy of the right breast and reconstruction of both breasts all at the same time. So I am happy just as long as both will be removed and I'll be healthy. It's crazy because every Doctor I see says your healthy and I am like are you forgetting something, lol....I will consider myself healthy once this is GONE!!!!!! The great news is that the radiologist said if I opted not to get the radiation treatment it would be a 25% chance it would come back. If I get the radiation it would be less then 5%. That's a no brainer. Zap me and make me an X-Men!!!!!! I never thought the highlight of my day would ever be surgery, chemo or radiation, lmao.. however, when that is what it will take for you to live, you see it in a totally different light.
You know I have been talking about McDonald fish filets. Well can you believe they are 99 cents until 11/16. I said someone up there really likes me :). Quiet as it is kept.... I got three today and ate one before I could drive off of the parking lot...lol. That satisfied my urge, now to the veggies, fruits and lean meats.
Post #21- Better Days
Through all of the things I am going through and have been through. The hardest thing is not having my Grandmother there to comfort me. I was fortunate to have a biological Grandmother and a Grandmother I acquired later in life. Both passed away from cancer. Both taught me things that I couldn't quite understand at the time but makes perfect sense now. I wish they could see how strong a woman they helped me to become. I just want to tell you both I love you and I miss you and everytime I hear this song I think of you both. Thank you for being my angels!!!!
Dianne Reeves- Better days
Link to song on You Tube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3j8L6wKpQA
BETTER DAYS- Lyrics
Silver gray hair neatly combed in place.
There were four generations of love on her face.
She was so wise, no surprise passed her eyes,
She'd seen it all.
I was a child, oh, about three or four.
All day I'd ask questions.
At night I'd ask more.
But whenever; she never, would ever, turn me away.
I'd say how can I be sure what is right or wrong ?
And why does what I want always take so long ?
Please tell me where does God live
And why won't He talk to me ?
I'd say, Grandma what is love ?
Will I ever find out ? and
Why are we so poor, what is life about ?
I wanna know the answers before I fall off to sleep.
ohwoohwohwoh.......
She sort of smiled as she tucked me in.
Then she pulled up that old rocking chair once again.
But tonight she was slightly, remarkably, different somehow.
Slowly she rocked, lookin' half asleep.
Grandma yawned as she stretched.
Then she started to speak.
What she told me, would mold me, and hold me
Together inside ahahahahah yeah yeah.
She said all the things you ask
You will know someday.
But you have got to live in a patient way.
God put us here by fate
And by fate that means better days.
She said, child we are all moons in the dark of night.
Ain't no morning gonna come 'til the time is right.
Can't get to better days lest you make it through the night.
You gotta make it through the night, yes you do.
You can't get to no better days
Unless you make it through the night.
Oh, you will see those better days
But you gotta be patient.
(Be patient) oh baby, be patient.
Later that year, at the turn of spring,
Heaven sent angels down and gave Grandma her wings.
Now, she's flying, and sliding, and gliding
In better days
And although I'm all grown up
I still get confused.
I stumble through the dark
Getting bumped and bruised.
When night gets in my way
I could still hear my Grandma say
I can hear her say,
I can hear her say.
(Be patient) You can't get to no better days
Unless you make it through the night baby.
(Be patient) Oh, you will see those better days
But you gotta be patient.
Child, do you hear me, yeah.
(Be patient) You can't get to no better days
Unless you make it, you got to make it
you got to make it
You got to make it through the night
(Be patient) Oh Grandma, oh Grandma
Do you see me now, lady
Oh oh oh oh oh...
(Be patient) She used to sit me on her knee
She used to comb my hair
She used to tell me stories..
My Grandma took me everywhere
Dianne Reeves- Better days
Link to song on You Tube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z3j8L6wKpQA
BETTER DAYS- Lyrics
Silver gray hair neatly combed in place.
There were four generations of love on her face.
She was so wise, no surprise passed her eyes,
She'd seen it all.
I was a child, oh, about three or four.
All day I'd ask questions.
At night I'd ask more.
But whenever; she never, would ever, turn me away.
I'd say how can I be sure what is right or wrong ?
And why does what I want always take so long ?
Please tell me where does God live
And why won't He talk to me ?
I'd say, Grandma what is love ?
Will I ever find out ? and
Why are we so poor, what is life about ?
I wanna know the answers before I fall off to sleep.
ohwoohwohwoh.......
She sort of smiled as she tucked me in.
Then she pulled up that old rocking chair once again.
But tonight she was slightly, remarkably, different somehow.
Slowly she rocked, lookin' half asleep.
Grandma yawned as she stretched.
Then she started to speak.
What she told me, would mold me, and hold me
Together inside ahahahahah yeah yeah.
She said all the things you ask
You will know someday.
But you have got to live in a patient way.
God put us here by fate
And by fate that means better days.
She said, child we are all moons in the dark of night.
Ain't no morning gonna come 'til the time is right.
Can't get to better days lest you make it through the night.
You gotta make it through the night, yes you do.
You can't get to no better days
Unless you make it through the night.
Oh, you will see those better days
But you gotta be patient.
(Be patient) oh baby, be patient.
Later that year, at the turn of spring,
Heaven sent angels down and gave Grandma her wings.
Now, she's flying, and sliding, and gliding
In better days
And although I'm all grown up
I still get confused.
I stumble through the dark
Getting bumped and bruised.
When night gets in my way
I could still hear my Grandma say
I can hear her say,
I can hear her say.
(Be patient) You can't get to no better days
Unless you make it through the night baby.
(Be patient) Oh, you will see those better days
But you gotta be patient.
Child, do you hear me, yeah.
(Be patient) You can't get to no better days
Unless you make it, you got to make it
you got to make it
You got to make it through the night
(Be patient) Oh Grandma, oh Grandma
Do you see me now, lady
Oh oh oh oh oh...
(Be patient) She used to sit me on her knee
She used to comb my hair
She used to tell me stories..
My Grandma took me everywhere
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Post- #20 Yesterday and Today
I'm really going through it bad. It's been very hard these last two days, very hard. It's not just the cancer I'm dealing with. It's so much more. I go to the radiological oncologist tomorrow so the treatment plan will begin soon. I'll tell you about it all tomorrow. I'm just going to pray harder than ever tonight.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Post #19- Waiting To Exhale
I think reality has set in with my Mother. I finally saw her look worried today. I don't know why but she appears to be trying ( could it be divine intervention), of course I am skeptical but stranger things have happened :) Prayers work and I was genuine in wanting to have a good relationship with her. Time heals all wounds. So I'll just wait and pray.
Monday I see the Radiological Oncologist, she is the last piece to the treatment puzzle. I have been reading about bi lateral mastectomies. There are too many woman who have to go through this. Thank GOD they are willing to share their stories. Now I know some of the things I will need to take to the hospital and some of the things I will need when I come home. I am still holding on by faith only. I kid you not. If I didn't have faith in GOD I know I would go INSANE!!!! This situation is so unstable because at the drop of a hat something can change. Knowing GOD helps me to keep in my mind that regardless of what anyone says I am safe and protected. When I was in the Oncologist's office Thursday, I laughed because I hold my breath when I get a needle. The nurse told me to stop. I laughed and said I always hold my breath when something unpleasant happens like that. I feel like I am holding my breath until this process is over.
My mind has been wandering today and I keep holding on to the fact that GOD has a plan for me. I think about my career. I think about my friends that graduated earlier today from pharmacy and nursing school because I was suppose to be graduating early with them today. I think about the fact that I am the lead artist on my record label. I think about the fact that I just started picking up steam as an on air personality. I think about my modeling career. I think about too much. Then I think about the fact that everything happens for a reason and all those things are small in the big scheme of life. Then I know that GOD has brought me this far so my plans may not be his plans and I am rolling with him 100%. If it's for me it will be waiting for me and if it's not for me I know what is waiting for me is 100 times better. I've grown from this experience so the things that I did as a child I may have out grown now. LOL, I just pumped myself up this is one of the few times I genuinely smiled today. There is something good waiting for me, I can feel it.
Congrats Reese, Kim, Alexis and Dha'kyra I knew you all could do it. Now since you all have these nursing and pharmacy skills I expect the best treatment during my surgery, chemo and radiation!!! :)
Monday I see the Radiological Oncologist, she is the last piece to the treatment puzzle. I have been reading about bi lateral mastectomies. There are too many woman who have to go through this. Thank GOD they are willing to share their stories. Now I know some of the things I will need to take to the hospital and some of the things I will need when I come home. I am still holding on by faith only. I kid you not. If I didn't have faith in GOD I know I would go INSANE!!!! This situation is so unstable because at the drop of a hat something can change. Knowing GOD helps me to keep in my mind that regardless of what anyone says I am safe and protected. When I was in the Oncologist's office Thursday, I laughed because I hold my breath when I get a needle. The nurse told me to stop. I laughed and said I always hold my breath when something unpleasant happens like that. I feel like I am holding my breath until this process is over.
My mind has been wandering today and I keep holding on to the fact that GOD has a plan for me. I think about my career. I think about my friends that graduated earlier today from pharmacy and nursing school because I was suppose to be graduating early with them today. I think about the fact that I am the lead artist on my record label. I think about the fact that I just started picking up steam as an on air personality. I think about my modeling career. I think about too much. Then I think about the fact that everything happens for a reason and all those things are small in the big scheme of life. Then I know that GOD has brought me this far so my plans may not be his plans and I am rolling with him 100%. If it's for me it will be waiting for me and if it's not for me I know what is waiting for me is 100 times better. I've grown from this experience so the things that I did as a child I may have out grown now. LOL, I just pumped myself up this is one of the few times I genuinely smiled today. There is something good waiting for me, I can feel it.
Congrats Reese, Kim, Alexis and Dha'kyra I knew you all could do it. Now since you all have these nursing and pharmacy skills I expect the best treatment during my surgery, chemo and radiation!!! :)
Post # 18- The Fifth Commandment, The Division, The Ressurrection
I have been struggling with The Fifth Commandment- Honor Thy Father And Mother. This has caused tremendous amounts of stress and sleepless nights. This is something that I have to put a period to heal my body because cancer loves and feeds off of stress.
I copied this from another website:
"Is the Fifth Commandment something that everyone should obey? It’s easy to argue that, as a general principle, honoring one’s parents is a good idea. It would have been especially true in ancient societies where life could be precarious and it’s a good way to ensure the maintenance of important social bonds. To say that it’s good as a general principle is not, however, the same as saying that it should be regarded as an absolute command from God and therefore must be followed in every possible instance.
There are, after all, many people who have suffered greatly at the hands of their parents. There are children who have been emotionally, physically, and even sexually abused by their mothers and fathers. The fact that people in general should honor their parents does not mean that, in these exceptional cases, the same principle should hold. If the survivor of abuse does not feel able to honor their parents, no one should be surprised and no one should try to insist that they act otherwise."
When you have cancer or any life threatening illness it causes you to examine your life, beliefs and philosophies. Cancer also makes you see a thing or a person for what it really is or isn't. When situations like this arise, like a friend told me it brings out the true nature of a person, that being you and the people around you. It also causes you to re-evaluate all things that are in your immediate space, people, places and things. You look around your house for example and you think, should I be using a natural cleaners, what about the chemicals from the dry cleaner, should I get a better air purifier etc... Then you look at where you live, is the pollution too high in Maryland, Is the city water better than the county water, should I grow my own vegetables so I will be free from pesticides. Then... you look at the people around you. First you look at how people treated you before cancer. However, people's true feelings come out after they find out you have cancer. For example it was two people that I told that I know aren't my true friends. Honestly, let me back track I didn't think the were friends but they were associates, now I know they were just groupies. I told them what happened. One person said you about to blow up, the industry is going to be throwing all kind of deals at you because you got cancer. (What the F***) So you know where their mind was. Another person responded well have you lost weight yet, did you lose your figure. (?????????WHAT????) I have heard the gambit of negative replies and that showed me what these people really thought of me. I have some really good people by my side and I am going to post them that because that keeps me lifted.
Like a lot of people I came from a severely discombobulated dysfunctional home. Child of divorce, child of an alcoholic, sexually abused, mentally abused pretty jacked up. This upbringing turned me into a lot of things some good, mostly bad. I raised myself during the years that I needed guidance the most, so you know how that works. I have held onto a lot of things over the years against my parents and I know I have been justified, however, I want to let it go. My Father is making an effort we have been estranged to the point of non existence. I appreciate him coming back I just hope it is for more than a season because I really need him in my life. So he is making an effort so I am can make it work if he can. My Mother on the other hand was an alcoholic and just whew..... I can't even deal with all that stuff with her. She just keeps on being herself. They didn't misdiagnose me, my cancer was rare didn't exhibit any signs of cancer. Her first thing is you know you can sue. (CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) I can't even have her go to the Doctors with me because I am scared she will get smart or start talking about suing somebody( even though she says now she is forgetting about the suing). I had to go off on her to get that out of her head but I know her she still whispering the idea to other people. No amount of money could replace my life and why would I concentrate on anything other than that. (GOD give me super human strength please). Then it was the incident the night before last when she said she wanted to go the Oncologist with me. She thought I was going to say no I said yes but I wanted one of my other Aunts to go also. Then she came back a couple hours later and told me we have to play it by ear because she was feeling my Aunt out because she had a hair dresser appointment. I know for a fact if my Aunt knew I wanted her to go she would have canceled that appointment. My mother never even asked her. So my mother didn't go to the most important appointment that I had. I didn't expect her to anyway ( she has never helped me in the past ) but she thought she was slick and I pulled her card. I also told her don't do that to me again because it's not right for you to ask me can you go and then you say you got to play it by ear. I have come to realize that my Mother is not very maternal she can put on a great front but there are those people who know she is full of it. She is like an undisciplined child. She thinks if she gives you a couple of dollars that she's a good mother. She also has been the cause of me not being close to my Sister because she lies so much. Today I cried hard because I was confirmed my Mother was not maternal I was over her house and feeling bad. I had been talking to one of my friends and was almost in tears. She was on the phone. I walked past her about 6 times do you know she was just a laughing and did not even know or have any intuition that I was in severe mental pain. She stayed on the phone for hours. That was my confirmation. Mothers have intuition when it comes to their children, even my cat knows I am sick. When I cough no matter where he is, whether he is sleep, looking out the window or trying to get into the cabinets,lol.. he flies to my room gets on his hind legs and looks at me. I know he does it because his breath stinks so bad like old fish,lol. So how could your child who you know has just had the cancer diagnosis walk past you with tears in her eyes and not know anything is wrong or even acknowledge it. That says a lot. GOD bless the child who has it's own. If my mother does not change her ways then I will have to part ways with her. I am in a situation that will probably last two years and just because it's localized and in the lymph's I can't get antibiotics and it will go away like an infection. I pray everyday even harder now because regardless of my cancer or a cold or a scratch on my knee I want to live. What I am saying is that I am not going to let no one stand in my way to recovery. GOD has given me so much and when it's all said in done we come through our mothers but my Soul is GOD's. It hurts me but not as much as it did earlier. I think it would be sinful to deal with someone who you know will hurt you and doesn't have your best interest at heart when GOD has given you so much. If it is a choice there is no no no no no no no no no choice. I CHOOSE GOD!!! I know he will work it out the way it needs to be worked out. This cancer situation hurts but GOD is working it out. I pray that me and my mother could have a godly, honest relationship. I know I will have to let go and once again let GOD. I can't do it. It just makes me mad and I don't need it right now. So it's out of my hands.
Link below talks about severe psychological stress may be linked to breast cancer:
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/03/080308103341.htm
So now I am going to look for some stress relieving activities. I used to go to the gym but that will be out of the question for a minute. If you have some ideas let me know.
I copied this from another website:
"Is the Fifth Commandment something that everyone should obey? It’s easy to argue that, as a general principle, honoring one’s parents is a good idea. It would have been especially true in ancient societies where life could be precarious and it’s a good way to ensure the maintenance of important social bonds. To say that it’s good as a general principle is not, however, the same as saying that it should be regarded as an absolute command from God and therefore must be followed in every possible instance.
There are, after all, many people who have suffered greatly at the hands of their parents. There are children who have been emotionally, physically, and even sexually abused by their mothers and fathers. The fact that people in general should honor their parents does not mean that, in these exceptional cases, the same principle should hold. If the survivor of abuse does not feel able to honor their parents, no one should be surprised and no one should try to insist that they act otherwise."
When you have cancer or any life threatening illness it causes you to examine your life, beliefs and philosophies. Cancer also makes you see a thing or a person for what it really is or isn't. When situations like this arise, like a friend told me it brings out the true nature of a person, that being you and the people around you. It also causes you to re-evaluate all things that are in your immediate space, people, places and things. You look around your house for example and you think, should I be using a natural cleaners, what about the chemicals from the dry cleaner, should I get a better air purifier etc... Then you look at where you live, is the pollution too high in Maryland, Is the city water better than the county water, should I grow my own vegetables so I will be free from pesticides. Then... you look at the people around you. First you look at how people treated you before cancer. However, people's true feelings come out after they find out you have cancer. For example it was two people that I told that I know aren't my true friends. Honestly, let me back track I didn't think the were friends but they were associates, now I know they were just groupies. I told them what happened. One person said you about to blow up, the industry is going to be throwing all kind of deals at you because you got cancer. (What the F***) So you know where their mind was. Another person responded well have you lost weight yet, did you lose your figure. (?????????WHAT????) I have heard the gambit of negative replies and that showed me what these people really thought of me. I have some really good people by my side and I am going to post them that because that keeps me lifted.
Like a lot of people I came from a severely discombobulated dysfunctional home. Child of divorce, child of an alcoholic, sexually abused, mentally abused pretty jacked up. This upbringing turned me into a lot of things some good, mostly bad. I raised myself during the years that I needed guidance the most, so you know how that works. I have held onto a lot of things over the years against my parents and I know I have been justified, however, I want to let it go. My Father is making an effort we have been estranged to the point of non existence. I appreciate him coming back I just hope it is for more than a season because I really need him in my life. So he is making an effort so I am can make it work if he can. My Mother on the other hand was an alcoholic and just whew..... I can't even deal with all that stuff with her. She just keeps on being herself. They didn't misdiagnose me, my cancer was rare didn't exhibit any signs of cancer. Her first thing is you know you can sue. (CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) I can't even have her go to the Doctors with me because I am scared she will get smart or start talking about suing somebody( even though she says now she is forgetting about the suing). I had to go off on her to get that out of her head but I know her she still whispering the idea to other people. No amount of money could replace my life and why would I concentrate on anything other than that. (GOD give me super human strength please). Then it was the incident the night before last when she said she wanted to go the Oncologist with me. She thought I was going to say no I said yes but I wanted one of my other Aunts to go also. Then she came back a couple hours later and told me we have to play it by ear because she was feeling my Aunt out because she had a hair dresser appointment. I know for a fact if my Aunt knew I wanted her to go she would have canceled that appointment. My mother never even asked her. So my mother didn't go to the most important appointment that I had. I didn't expect her to anyway ( she has never helped me in the past ) but she thought she was slick and I pulled her card. I also told her don't do that to me again because it's not right for you to ask me can you go and then you say you got to play it by ear. I have come to realize that my Mother is not very maternal she can put on a great front but there are those people who know she is full of it. She is like an undisciplined child. She thinks if she gives you a couple of dollars that she's a good mother. She also has been the cause of me not being close to my Sister because she lies so much. Today I cried hard because I was confirmed my Mother was not maternal I was over her house and feeling bad. I had been talking to one of my friends and was almost in tears. She was on the phone. I walked past her about 6 times do you know she was just a laughing and did not even know or have any intuition that I was in severe mental pain. She stayed on the phone for hours. That was my confirmation. Mothers have intuition when it comes to their children, even my cat knows I am sick. When I cough no matter where he is, whether he is sleep, looking out the window or trying to get into the cabinets,lol.. he flies to my room gets on his hind legs and looks at me. I know he does it because his breath stinks so bad like old fish,lol. So how could your child who you know has just had the cancer diagnosis walk past you with tears in her eyes and not know anything is wrong or even acknowledge it. That says a lot. GOD bless the child who has it's own. If my mother does not change her ways then I will have to part ways with her. I am in a situation that will probably last two years and just because it's localized and in the lymph's I can't get antibiotics and it will go away like an infection. I pray everyday even harder now because regardless of my cancer or a cold or a scratch on my knee I want to live. What I am saying is that I am not going to let no one stand in my way to recovery. GOD has given me so much and when it's all said in done we come through our mothers but my Soul is GOD's. It hurts me but not as much as it did earlier. I think it would be sinful to deal with someone who you know will hurt you and doesn't have your best interest at heart when GOD has given you so much. If it is a choice there is no no no no no no no no no choice. I CHOOSE GOD!!! I know he will work it out the way it needs to be worked out. This cancer situation hurts but GOD is working it out. I pray that me and my mother could have a godly, honest relationship. I know I will have to let go and once again let GOD. I can't do it. It just makes me mad and I don't need it right now. So it's out of my hands.
Link below talks about severe psychological stress may be linked to breast cancer:
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/03/080308103341.htm
So now I am going to look for some stress relieving activities. I used to go to the gym but that will be out of the question for a minute. If you have some ideas let me know.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Post #17- GOD Is Good All The Time!!!
Here's the results. It is localized and has only spread to my lymph nodes. So that is a wonderful thing. Thank you GOD and thank all of you for your prayers and support. Don't stop because I still need them more than ever. :) Here's the issue, when they did the initial surgery they thought they were just removing a blood filled cyst they did not get enough breast tissue to test to be 100% sure my breast cancer is not estrogen produced. So they need more tissue and they would like to biopsy a lymph node. So I could get the biopsy (plus take some more breast tissue for testing), chemo, possible lumpectomy or mastectomy, radiation and finally reconstruction. That's a lot. Plus I am really set on a mastectomy, I am in a lot of pain in fact I am in pain 24 hours a day. I want both breast removed because I don't want 5-10 years to pass and I develop breast cancer in the other breast. I was told they want me to think about it for the psychological aspects. Here is how I see it. Breast gone, cancer not growing anymore. I don't want chemo first knowing that I have an aggressive cancer growing inside me, I want it out and in the trash can. As far as vanity sake, reconstruction is fine. I would rather have the mastectomy, chemo ( for 6 months), radiation and then reconstruction. My oncologist and surgeon wanted me to think on it so I wouldn't regret it later. My radiological oncologist who I will be seeing Monday said if I was comfortable with it then it would be good to do. So that's the plan. So I could have surgery as early as next week. It's so much more to talk about but I'm beat down. My body aches and I hope I am not getting a cold. So Iam going to take some Thera Flu warming medicine and drink some Knudsen's mega antioxidant drink and go to sleep. I'm going to pray. I know GOD will lead me in the right direction. Prayer works!!!!!!!! Faith works!!!!!!!! I'll talk to you all when I wake up. :) I'm so happy I just want to cry. When I tell you how long this cancer has been growing and that I was very close to the end... It's just so much so I'll post as soon as I wake up. I did cry today because GOD has been so good to me even when I haven't been good to myself. It's amazing how happy I am. I know I have this cancer in me but I have never felt more alive that's why I know I am going to beat this with GOD's help. I know it's going to be a long painful road but I'm going to make it. One day at a time and I am going to praise him all the way.
Post #16- NERVOUSNESS INDICATES LACK OF FAITH AND TRUST IN THE LORD.
NERVOUSNESS INDICATES LACK OF FAITH AND TRUST IN THE LORD.
James 1:6 But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed.
Two hours until I'm sitting in the Doctors office. I'm not going to lie it is tense because of the waiting.......... The clock is moving so slow, lol. I'm constantly checking myself and pushing out any negative thoughts. I am not wavering...whew.....things about my life are so much clearer now. I hope everyone reading this will examine their lives and don't sweat the small stuff. I just took a deep stretch and my back is still knotted up. The body and the spirit are definitely two separate entities, lol.....Now I know what a lot of older people mean when they say the spirit is willing but the body is not. Somehow have to sync the body with the mind. It's not as tense now so maybe I am at the baby stages of merging the two. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... Now it's almost an hour and a half. Let me go finish getting ready. I'm hungry that's a good sign. I might get that fish filet today, lol... I'll talk to you when I get back :).. It's a good day!
James 1:6 But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed.
Two hours until I'm sitting in the Doctors office. I'm not going to lie it is tense because of the waiting.......... The clock is moving so slow, lol. I'm constantly checking myself and pushing out any negative thoughts. I am not wavering...whew.....things about my life are so much clearer now. I hope everyone reading this will examine their lives and don't sweat the small stuff. I just took a deep stretch and my back is still knotted up. The body and the spirit are definitely two separate entities, lol.....Now I know what a lot of older people mean when they say the spirit is willing but the body is not. Somehow have to sync the body with the mind. It's not as tense now so maybe I am at the baby stages of merging the two. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... Now it's almost an hour and a half. Let me go finish getting ready. I'm hungry that's a good sign. I might get that fish filet today, lol... I'll talk to you when I get back :).. It's a good day!
Post #15- Yesterday, Today And A Brighter Tomorrow
Yesterday.... The morning started off rocky with my Mother. Then I had a great time during the radio show. When women and men talk it always gets back to relationships I don't care what topic we start out with, lol..We had a great discussion about the election and it's historical significance. Doing the radio show keeps the normalcy in my life, however, I can't wait to get back on the mic and rock a show :)!!! The MRI Contrast Test..yuck. The MRI was fine until they injected the contrast die into me. I even didn't mind that I was in another tunnel like the Pet/CT scan except this time it sounded like jack hammers were pounding the tunnel. I had to put on earmuffs to block the noise. They had music you could listen to while you took the test I chose classical so that I could satisfy my refined side, lol. When they injected the the contrast I could feel it go through my veins, I felt it in my heart then I had somewhat of a panic attack because I was thinking about the possible things that could go wrong. I prayed then I was good to go. Then I felt it hit my lungs that's when I started coughing. I tried to hold it in but I felt like I was chocking and mucous was coming up out of my chest when I coughed. My friend who was with me saw something was wrong and motioned for the people to come in. He told me he was about to pull me out of the tunnel and the techs motioned no. So the techs came in and gave me a sip, literally a sip of water and a cough drop. I had three more scans to go. The cough started to come back during the last scan. I held it in and by the time they pulled me out I was done. I felt awful.
My mother apologized to me yesterday. So that's a good thing.
I had a terrible night last night. My breast was throbbing in pain. Every way I turned it still hurt until I actually laid on it. Then it stopped. That was weird. I'm tired and really ready to hear the results today. They have moved extremely fast with my testing thank GOD! So today is the day. I packed some clothes today to get ready for my move and I am just so ready to start my treatment.
Since I was laying down most of the day and night yesterday I had a lot of time to think and reflect because I couldn't sleep. I was thinking about the idea of Faith and work. I have so much faith that I had to remember that I also have to do my work to complete the process. It's called walking in faith not laying in faith or crying in faith.. it's walking in faith. That means movement. So I went into motion to set my finances in order because it is costly to be sick. So I am looking into programs that can assist me and being proactive. Everyone wishes money would just fall out the sky but it doesn't work like that. So that's why I am being so proactive, positive and reassured that I am going to be better than I ever was before because I am doing all that is within my power and the rest I give to GOD!!! I am beginning to understand what it means to let go and let GOD. When you know you have done all you can do trust in him. I have seen miracles this week happen. Things that I know only GOD did because it is no way they would have happened. So today will be no different. I am going to get fly and walk into the Doctors office with my head up, lip gloss shining, smile on my face and accept the job GOD has given me to show the world that he has the power and I will magnify the blessings he has and will bestow. Right now I have never felt so good about myself. Never in my life have I loved myself so much. There were times just this year that I disconnected myself from GOD but he never disconnected from me and I thank him for that. I had to drop so low in my thinking and actions so that I could get back up again.
Ironically for years I have listened to this song by Donnie McClurkin: We Fall Down. Every time I would listen to it I would cry. I have put this song on the same cd as Jayz, rock songs whatever. People would be in the car jamming to the cd then We Fall Down would come on. It was a song that I was just drawn to. It spoke to my spirit and now I know why because the words are so true "For a saint is just a sinner who fell down and got up. We fall down but we get up. For a saint is just a sinner who fell down and got up ..."
My mother apologized to me yesterday. So that's a good thing.
I had a terrible night last night. My breast was throbbing in pain. Every way I turned it still hurt until I actually laid on it. Then it stopped. That was weird. I'm tired and really ready to hear the results today. They have moved extremely fast with my testing thank GOD! So today is the day. I packed some clothes today to get ready for my move and I am just so ready to start my treatment.
Since I was laying down most of the day and night yesterday I had a lot of time to think and reflect because I couldn't sleep. I was thinking about the idea of Faith and work. I have so much faith that I had to remember that I also have to do my work to complete the process. It's called walking in faith not laying in faith or crying in faith.. it's walking in faith. That means movement. So I went into motion to set my finances in order because it is costly to be sick. So I am looking into programs that can assist me and being proactive. Everyone wishes money would just fall out the sky but it doesn't work like that. So that's why I am being so proactive, positive and reassured that I am going to be better than I ever was before because I am doing all that is within my power and the rest I give to GOD!!! I am beginning to understand what it means to let go and let GOD. When you know you have done all you can do trust in him. I have seen miracles this week happen. Things that I know only GOD did because it is no way they would have happened. So today will be no different. I am going to get fly and walk into the Doctors office with my head up, lip gloss shining, smile on my face and accept the job GOD has given me to show the world that he has the power and I will magnify the blessings he has and will bestow. Right now I have never felt so good about myself. Never in my life have I loved myself so much. There were times just this year that I disconnected myself from GOD but he never disconnected from me and I thank him for that. I had to drop so low in my thinking and actions so that I could get back up again.
Ironically for years I have listened to this song by Donnie McClurkin: We Fall Down. Every time I would listen to it I would cry. I have put this song on the same cd as Jayz, rock songs whatever. People would be in the car jamming to the cd then We Fall Down would come on. It was a song that I was just drawn to. It spoke to my spirit and now I know why because the words are so true "For a saint is just a sinner who fell down and got up. We fall down but we get up. For a saint is just a sinner who fell down and got up ..."
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Post #14- Bilateral MRI with Contrast
The contrast did not work too well with my system so I have been resting since the test. I don't feel that well so I am going to sleep. Everyone that I was suppose to call I'll call you tomorrow after I find out the specifics about the cancer. Terri my new friend and survivor sister, I will definitely call you after I find out. Thank you for being so supportive. I feel a little nauseous and I am very tired. So I'll tell you all about the test that I had today, tomorrow. I see the Oncologist at 2:30 pm tomorrow I claiming it is localized. Until tomorrow keep me in your prayers.
Post #13 Mama Said it Be Days Like This, I Just Never Thought She Would Cause Them Especially Now
Faith, faith, faith....Did you know that are hundreds of thousands of people that file medical bankruptcy each year. I didn't know medical bankruptcy even existed. I was talking to one of my friends because they were filtering advice from some of our other friends and having cancer is costly. At first it did overwhelm me a bit a bit then I had to step back and say I am going to be fine. I am going to have everything that I need. I have to stay extremely positive because tomorrow I find out how extensive the cancer is ( and I am claiming it is localized) and I have to be ready to fight. My Doctors are extremely aggressive so I am sure treatment will start next week. I have so many friends in my corner and I thank GOD for that.
This morning I spoke to my Mother. My family on my Mother's side has been calling asking her what I need. Just finding out you have cancer you have to think about what you will need. I'm not going to be staying home once my treatments start I will be staying with my best friend so I have to make that transition. Plus I have a lot of stuff, lol. So you know I am going to need everything, plus I have deductibles, co pays, my regular bills etc.. So last night I was thinking ok I could tell my mother to tell the family they could get me gift cards from Rite aid, Walmart and the grocery store. That way I can stock the house up with things like toilet paper, paper towels because it will be a lot of traffic in and out visiting. I'll need soups, organic foods, natural juices and not to mention prescriptions, tissues all sorts of items. Now when someone extends their home to you, I try to prepare as much as possible. Even though I know there will be other things that will come up, I want to go in with a stock pile. So I tell her since the family is asking what I need tell them gift cards. I didn't say money so they will know what it is being used for because they are gift cards to specific stores. She looked at me crazy when I told her and said I don't want to sound like u begging. They asked what did I need so how do I sound like I am begging. Begging would have been give me money, pay my health insurance premium. Since I found out, I haven't asked anyone for anything they keep asking what I need. So I said gift cards that way I can get the things that I need as I need them. She pissed me the F***off like she usually does. She is not maternal at all and the cause of 95% of my stress that I have and have had all my life. I have to vent this because this is real talk. So I was like forget it, they asked what they could do but forget it. I have always made a way myself and now a thought just hit me. For real just now. I have always thought that I have made it alone but I haven't, GOD has been there with me all the time. I got so much tension in me now that I feel like I am going to explode but I got to let go and let GOD. It's ok because I am going to make it, I have done it this far in my life without having parental guidance and virtually no help from them and I just have to keep faith in the one true Father who will never leave me for anything. Who puts me first and wants me to succeed with no strings attached. Who accepts me for the person I am because he knows the person I will become. Who is not phony or backstabbing, manipulative or traitorous. Who has my back and I don't even realize it , til afterwards. Thank you egg donor no I am not even going to carry it like that. GOD said honor thy mother and father and your days will be longer. You know people have different interpretations of the bible but I'll get into that later, lol..All I can say is negative works for positive, Thank you Mother for expressing yourself they way you did because it has helped me to see GOD in his glory even more. So if you have been used as a vessel to bring that relationship closer bless you because you have done your job.
Whew, this is getting real, real. I got to stretch this out. On the positive , today is the first day of my segment on The Larry Young Morning show. :) After that I get the Bilateral mri contrast at 11am. So I will definitely let you know how everything goes!!!! Thanks for listening :) Peace
This morning I spoke to my Mother. My family on my Mother's side has been calling asking her what I need. Just finding out you have cancer you have to think about what you will need. I'm not going to be staying home once my treatments start I will be staying with my best friend so I have to make that transition. Plus I have a lot of stuff, lol. So you know I am going to need everything, plus I have deductibles, co pays, my regular bills etc.. So last night I was thinking ok I could tell my mother to tell the family they could get me gift cards from Rite aid, Walmart and the grocery store. That way I can stock the house up with things like toilet paper, paper towels because it will be a lot of traffic in and out visiting. I'll need soups, organic foods, natural juices and not to mention prescriptions, tissues all sorts of items. Now when someone extends their home to you, I try to prepare as much as possible. Even though I know there will be other things that will come up, I want to go in with a stock pile. So I tell her since the family is asking what I need tell them gift cards. I didn't say money so they will know what it is being used for because they are gift cards to specific stores. She looked at me crazy when I told her and said I don't want to sound like u begging. They asked what did I need so how do I sound like I am begging. Begging would have been give me money, pay my health insurance premium. Since I found out, I haven't asked anyone for anything they keep asking what I need. So I said gift cards that way I can get the things that I need as I need them. She pissed me the F***off like she usually does. She is not maternal at all and the cause of 95% of my stress that I have and have had all my life. I have to vent this because this is real talk. So I was like forget it, they asked what they could do but forget it. I have always made a way myself and now a thought just hit me. For real just now. I have always thought that I have made it alone but I haven't, GOD has been there with me all the time. I got so much tension in me now that I feel like I am going to explode but I got to let go and let GOD. It's ok because I am going to make it, I have done it this far in my life without having parental guidance and virtually no help from them and I just have to keep faith in the one true Father who will never leave me for anything. Who puts me first and wants me to succeed with no strings attached. Who accepts me for the person I am because he knows the person I will become. Who is not phony or backstabbing, manipulative or traitorous. Who has my back and I don't even realize it , til afterwards. Thank you egg donor no I am not even going to carry it like that. GOD said honor thy mother and father and your days will be longer. You know people have different interpretations of the bible but I'll get into that later, lol..All I can say is negative works for positive, Thank you Mother for expressing yourself they way you did because it has helped me to see GOD in his glory even more. So if you have been used as a vessel to bring that relationship closer bless you because you have done your job.
Whew, this is getting real, real. I got to stretch this out. On the positive , today is the first day of my segment on The Larry Young Morning show. :) After that I get the Bilateral mri contrast at 11am. So I will definitely let you know how everything goes!!!! Thanks for listening :) Peace
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Post #12 The PET/CT Scan
I got to tell the crazy stuff first. If you have ever had to take a medical test you will know what I am talking about. The instructions you have to follow before most test are crazy but I think I have found the craziest of all crazies, lol. Here were the directions I had to follow for the PET/CT test.
1. No exercise the day before or the day of the test
2. Eat a low carbohydrate dinner
3. No eating or drinking 4 hours before the test
4. Medication can be taken with sips of water
5. Drink 16 ounces of water 1 hour before the test.
Now the problem I had was with #3 and #5. If I can't eat or drink 4 hours before the test how am I suppose to drink 16 ounces of water. So I had to call the Radiology place and ask them just what is going on. They told me I needed to drink 16 ounces an hour before my test. So basically my test was at 10am so I needed to drink 16 ounces of water by 9am. So why didn't the directions just say no eating 4 hours before the test.. hmmmmm., lol. So I drink the 16 ounces and I am leaving at 9:15, well I have to go to the bathroom because I just drank 16 ounces of water. So I am like I know they didn't think I was going to hold this until 10am. So we are on the way driving through the city because the beltway is congested now it's about 9:45 and I have to pee like a race horse. I could not hold it so we pulled over I went in Dunkin Donuts and the sign said restroom for customers only. I was like I have cancer so I'm exempt from that bull, lol, and proceeded to go in and do what I had to do. Cancer does have it's benefits you can get away with some stuff you ordinarily can't, lmao. So my best friend called the radiologist to tell them that I was going to be late because I had to stop and use the restroom. They asked him did I empty my bladder and laughed because they said most people can't hold all that water. Duh Duh Duh what did they think. Then they told him to tell me to drink some more water on the way. I keep a case of water in my truck so I drank another 16.9 ounces on the way. I knew I was going to have to use it again soon.
Now we are at the Radiology spot. They take me back very quickly and explain the procedure. I had to drink a styro foam milkshake cup of some berry flavored barium now mind you that was about a 24 ounce cup, then they injected some radioactive tracer sugar solution into me. sounding fun yet and I sat for 30 minutes so it could work it's way through me. This was going to help them see exactly where the cancer was because cancer loves sugar. NO MORE SUGAR FOR ME! The barium didn't taste bad it wasn't a smoothie but it wasn't bad. So you know after that I had to go to the bathroom again. Then the nurse came back and gave me a half a cup of barium berry stuff and I sat for another 15 minutes. The room I sat in was nice it had a low lights, a heater and a blanket in there so I would be relaxed and the sugar wouldn't leave my organs and go into my muscles, so that 45 minutes was cool except for the fact I had to keep going to the bathroom. After almost a gallon of liquid you would have a little bladder problem. So she told me to go try to go to the bathroom because they were going to scan me, by this time I am good but I just went in since she was insistent and fiddled around and came out. Next was the fun part.
I go in and see the tunnel, I put a picture of it on top of the page. I got on the table and was scanned for 30 minutes. This is exactly what the test does:
PET stands for Position Emission Tomography. It is a test that detects changes in the body on a cellular level. Since cellular changes take place before physical ones do, PET can help your doctor make an earlier diagnosis or determine if your current treatment is working effectively.
CT stands for Computerized Tomography. It is an x-ray test that creates a detailed view of the physical structure of your organs and tissue. The CT scan can show the dimensions of your vessels, lymph nodes and organ systems.
A PET/CT scan combines both technologies into one machine. It provides:
A picture of cellular function (PET)
A picture of physical structure (CT)
A merged picture of the body’s cellular function and physical structure
My friend wasn't able to stay in the room during the PET because of the radiation but he was allowed in the booth with the techs. He saw my skeleton as they scanned it and said I had a nice shaped skull. Thanks Ma for shaping my head. He saw my heart and organs. Now the funny thing is you could see my whole shape, thighs, a little bit of butt poking up, too much information for me, lol. He was allowed to come in for the CT scan. They played music and I was jamming but I could only move my toes because everything else has to stay perfectly still. It was torture you can't play music when you have an emcee in the room you know we want to bounce, lol. I kept it cool though. I almost lost it because Janet Jackson's song Control came on and all I could see in my mind was Chris Tucker and his stupid Rush Hour dance dancing to it. They played Aretha Franklin, Phil Collins, a whole array of music. I was good until I had to pee again. Then I heard a voice say we are looking over your scans. So I knew it wouldn't be too long. After I got up you know where I went, straight to the bathroom to let out that last 12 ounces. The whole process from start to finish was about two hours but it was a fun two hours because my techs were great!! They gave me some great advice and were very caring. They also told me the team of surgeons and oncologists working on my case are the best in the Maryland/Washington area and if they had anything wrong with them that's where they would go. That made me feel good. Everyday GOD shows me he is with me. He hasn't given up on me so I will never give up having faith in him!
So tomorrow I start my new segment on The Larry Young Morning Show and go get my bilateral MRI with contrast at 11 am. Then I have my appointment with the Oncologist on Thursday 11/6 at 2:30 and I will know if the cancer is localized or has spread. I know it's localized I claim that and nothing else. :) Now I have to go find something to wear for the first show tomorrow even though I'm on radio I like to dress like I'm on TV. lol. I am very excited about it, life is good!!!!
Post #11- Before The PET/CT Scan This Morning
I go get mt PET/CT Scan at 10am this morning. I have been sleeping so good. In fact I can't get enough sleep. It has been sound and peaceful unlike the first night I found out. Well as I told you this morning this test will tell me whether or not it is localized or metastasized. I am not scared this morning because I do believe with all the faith that I have that it is localized. Either way I have to do my part and let GOD do the rest. So really I don't have any reason to be sad or scared. The way this tumor was growing because it is aggressive I would have just died eventually. So now at least I have a fighting chance. Now I have to get dressed and do what I gotta do and that's keep it moving. :)
Oh I forgot to tell you my cancer is not estrogen or progesterone produced.
Information about estrogen produced cancer link below:
http://www.womentowomen.com/breasthealth/estrogenbreastcancer.aspx
So they are still waiting to see the results of the Her-2 test
Information about Her-2 and breast cancer below:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/breast-cancer/AN00495
Ok, I'll talk to you when I get back. I know it will be good news :)
Oh I forgot to tell you my cancer is not estrogen or progesterone produced.
Information about estrogen produced cancer link below:
http://www.womentowomen.com/breasthealth/estrogenbreastcancer.aspx
So they are still waiting to see the results of the Her-2 test
Information about Her-2 and breast cancer below:
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/breast-cancer/AN00495
Ok, I'll talk to you when I get back. I know it will be good news :)
Monday, November 3, 2008
Post #10- After The Oncologist Appointment
Straight to the point like he gave it to me. It's a high grade aggressive cancer. Hearing that made me cry. My lymph nodes still aren't swollen and that's a good thing. My pathology report didn't show any branches coming out of the tumor. Tomorrow I will have a test to tell me whether it is localized or extensive. If it is localized it has the potential to be cured, if it is extensive all they can do is make someone comfortable until a person passes. However, I know the only person who has the final say in whether or not we go or stay is GOD!
95% of breast cancer patients have localized cancer. 5% are extensive. I am claiming that I be in the 95% that will be totally cured. To find out whether or not it is localized or has spread throughout my body they are sending me for a PET/CT Scan tomorrow. They are moving fast because the cancer is aggressive. It's still so weird to know that I have cancer in my body.
Here's the link to tell you more about the test. http://www.petscaninfo.com/zportal/portals/pat/
I have a lot to do today preparing for the treatments and getting the things I need in advance. So I may not blog until after the test tomorrow. I don't know. I am mentally drained right now. I really want to just get in the bed and go to sleep but I am going to keep it moving. I may even try to go to the gym today to work off some of the stress. The oncologist said I don't have to be on a special diet and I should continue exercising and my daily routine. It's hard though but I have to do it. I have been craving a Mcdonalds fish filet. I don't even like them like that but I may have to visit the golden arches before the restrict my diet because I know it's coming, lol.
95% of breast cancer patients have localized cancer. 5% are extensive. I am claiming that I be in the 95% that will be totally cured. To find out whether or not it is localized or has spread throughout my body they are sending me for a PET/CT Scan tomorrow. They are moving fast because the cancer is aggressive. It's still so weird to know that I have cancer in my body.
Here's the link to tell you more about the test. http://www.petscaninfo.com/zportal/portals/pat/
I have a lot to do today preparing for the treatments and getting the things I need in advance. So I may not blog until after the test tomorrow. I don't know. I am mentally drained right now. I really want to just get in the bed and go to sleep but I am going to keep it moving. I may even try to go to the gym today to work off some of the stress. The oncologist said I don't have to be on a special diet and I should continue exercising and my daily routine. It's hard though but I have to do it. I have been craving a Mcdonalds fish filet. I don't even like them like that but I may have to visit the golden arches before the restrict my diet because I know it's coming, lol.
Post #9- First Oncologist Appointment And I am Scared A Little
I am scared this morning. I think I was traumatized by the whole ordeal last week especially since it took me by surprise. Now I feel funny walking into any Doctors office because I don't know what to expect. I have questions now, like what stage am I in? I looked some things up so hopefully I will have more answers when I get back.
I always used to ask what is faith , how do you get it. Now I know. It's just when you believe in GOD and you finally realise you are not the owner of yourself. You realise that it a higher being helping you when you can't help yourself. It's peaceful having faith. The negative in me still makes me scared sometimes like this morning but I just keep saying GOD brought me this far and would not give me a burden I couldn't handle. So I'll talk to you later when I get back from the Doctors
I always used to ask what is faith , how do you get it. Now I know. It's just when you believe in GOD and you finally realise you are not the owner of yourself. You realise that it a higher being helping you when you can't help yourself. It's peaceful having faith. The negative in me still makes me scared sometimes like this morning but I just keep saying GOD brought me this far and would not give me a burden I couldn't handle. So I'll talk to you later when I get back from the Doctors
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Post #8- Don't Feel Good
I caught up with the blog and tomorrow morning at 8:30am I go to see the Oncologist. When I was in the health food store this man was telling me about how his mother in law had a cough for a couple of months and it turned out to be lung cancer. I didn't need to hear that because I had a cough when I went to the hospital last week, they said it was bronchitis but now you know my mind is playing tricks on me. I can actually say I don't feel good right now. My breast still hurts from the surgery last week and I am not looking forward to the bilateral mri with contrast on Wednesday.
Info on mri http://health.howstuffworks.com/mri8.htm
I heard that the dye stings when it is injected. MRI contrast works by altering the local magnetic field in the tissue being examined. Normal and abnormal tissue will respond differently to this slight alteration, giving us differing signals. These varied signals are transferred to the images, allowing us to visualize many different types of tissue abnormalities and disease processes better than we could without the contrast.
So I guess I have to deal with it. Thank GOD I don't have any metal fillings in my mouth because of the magnetic field. It's a lot of stuff to think about that's why I think I am so tired. My breast hurts, I'm coughing ( thinking about what that dumb man said) so I am going to lay down and watch Dexter and Californication. I'm mad I missed The Unit and True Blood. Oh well. I'll let you know how everything goes at the Oncologist tomorrow. Peace!!!
Info on mri http://health.howstuffworks.com/mri8.htm
I heard that the dye stings when it is injected. MRI contrast works by altering the local magnetic field in the tissue being examined. Normal and abnormal tissue will respond differently to this slight alteration, giving us differing signals. These varied signals are transferred to the images, allowing us to visualize many different types of tissue abnormalities and disease processes better than we could without the contrast.
So I guess I have to deal with it. Thank GOD I don't have any metal fillings in my mouth because of the magnetic field. It's a lot of stuff to think about that's why I think I am so tired. My breast hurts, I'm coughing ( thinking about what that dumb man said) so I am going to lay down and watch Dexter and Californication. I'm mad I missed The Unit and True Blood. Oh well. I'll let you know how everything goes at the Oncologist tomorrow. Peace!!!
Post #7- Time For Some Action!!!!!
I have went through the 5 stages of grief
1. Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
I went Famous Dave's about an hour after I found out and tried to act like nothing happened.
2. Anger (why is this happening to me?)
I guess I am always in the second stage of grief because I have been called angry black woman.
3. Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
I did do this but I am not going to tell my bargaining strategy
4. Depression (I don't care anymore)
Couldn't sleep and I didn't want to eat.
5. Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)
I have faith in GOD, I'm going to give my testimony for all to hear and help and advocate for others dealing with breast cancer.
So now it's time for some action. I am doing my research on treatments. I know chemotherapy is in my future, a little radiation and maybe a mastectomy.
Info about chemotherapy
http://www.chemotherapy.com/?src=ppc&WT.srch=1
Info about radiation http://www.ehealthmd.com/library/radiationtherapy/RT_whatis.html
Info about mastectomy http://surgery.about.com/od/proceduresaz/ss/Mastectomy.htm
I still have my humor so if I have to get a mastectomy I want some perky D's. Well I am almost caught up on this blog yesterday 11/1 I had an interview on ENT Radio in Baltimore about my music career and being an on air personality on two shows on WOLB. I also announced that I have breast cancer and gave out the blog site. It threw the hosts of the show off for a minute because they saw me Friday at the radio station doing the promos for the new segment. They said they would never had guessed. That was kinda funny because people have said I don't look like I have cancer. I am glad I don't, lol... But what does cancer look like. In fact what does diabetes or high blood pressure look like. Well if cancer has a look I don't want it. I do want that "good hair" everyone keeps telling me I'll have after chemotherapy though, lmao... After the Baltimore interview I had another interview on WOL in DC. I was tired when I was done . A little more tired than usual. I guess this is to be expected. Yeah I am almost caught to the present date.
So last night on the way back in from DC I stopped at my favorite health food store to get some things to build up my immune system in preparation for the treatments. Even though I won't know the specific treatment details or whether or not the cancer is localized or has spread until a week or so. I am preparing for the fight in advance. So if anyone knows of some things that may be good for me let me know or if you know some things that I should definitely avoid. So now I am taking the proactive role and getting ready for the fight.
1. Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
I went Famous Dave's about an hour after I found out and tried to act like nothing happened.
2. Anger (why is this happening to me?)
I guess I am always in the second stage of grief because I have been called angry black woman.
3. Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
I did do this but I am not going to tell my bargaining strategy
4. Depression (I don't care anymore)
Couldn't sleep and I didn't want to eat.
5. Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)
I have faith in GOD, I'm going to give my testimony for all to hear and help and advocate for others dealing with breast cancer.
So now it's time for some action. I am doing my research on treatments. I know chemotherapy is in my future, a little radiation and maybe a mastectomy.
Info about chemotherapy
http://www.chemotherapy.com/?src=ppc&WT.srch=1
Info about radiation http://www.ehealthmd.com/library/radiationtherapy/RT_whatis.html
Info about mastectomy http://surgery.about.com/od/proceduresaz/ss/Mastectomy.htm
I still have my humor so if I have to get a mastectomy I want some perky D's. Well I am almost caught up on this blog yesterday 11/1 I had an interview on ENT Radio in Baltimore about my music career and being an on air personality on two shows on WOLB. I also announced that I have breast cancer and gave out the blog site. It threw the hosts of the show off for a minute because they saw me Friday at the radio station doing the promos for the new segment. They said they would never had guessed. That was kinda funny because people have said I don't look like I have cancer. I am glad I don't, lol... But what does cancer look like. In fact what does diabetes or high blood pressure look like. Well if cancer has a look I don't want it. I do want that "good hair" everyone keeps telling me I'll have after chemotherapy though, lmao... After the Baltimore interview I had another interview on WOL in DC. I was tired when I was done . A little more tired than usual. I guess this is to be expected. Yeah I am almost caught to the present date.
So last night on the way back in from DC I stopped at my favorite health food store to get some things to build up my immune system in preparation for the treatments. Even though I won't know the specific treatment details or whether or not the cancer is localized or has spread until a week or so. I am preparing for the fight in advance. So if anyone knows of some things that may be good for me let me know or if you know some things that I should definitely avoid. So now I am taking the proactive role and getting ready for the fight.
Post #6- Telling Everyone, The Living Funeral
The person who I knew would take it the hardest was with me when I got the news. It hurt me even more to know the pain he was was feeling. I called my Sister we haven't had the closest relationship but she has been there 100% for me since I had surgery last week. I am glad because I have missed her over the years. So my sister was the second person to find out. She made me feel better because she knows how to talk to me, she was very comforting. Next we went to my Mother's house and told her and the rest of the family. She was very optimistic about the situation. Then it seemed to filter down from there. I personally told a few people but word spread quickly. It's crazy because at first I didn't know if I wanted anyone to know. You know I thought illness was a sign of weakness and I definitely didn't want anyone to think I was going to fall off. Then I realised I had a true testimony and everything was going to be fine. This happened for a reason and it is bigger than me, in fact. I never imagined how much people really loved me. You know you have friends, associates, business associates, and acquaintances but you never know how a person really feels about you until they think you might not be around anymore.
It's like a living funeral. I always have said when I die I wish I could see who was at my funeral and who was really my friend. Well now I am seeing just that. People who I never would have imagined are reaching out to me with genuine support and concern. My friends like Reese and Kim are to the point where they are willing to practically put their lives on hold to be there for me. It's overwhelming to know that people care about you that much. I have people calling me that I don't even know volunteering to help me, pray for me and just be there for me. I thank GOD that I have such good friends and I will cherish them.
People I haven't spoken to in years are calling like we just spoke yesterday. The biggest thing that happened was my Father who I haven't spoken to for a while called me. It wasn't how I wanted it to be but I know he does care about me at least. So that meant a lot to me. Thank you everyone for your prayers and words of encouragement!
It's like a living funeral. I always have said when I die I wish I could see who was at my funeral and who was really my friend. Well now I am seeing just that. People who I never would have imagined are reaching out to me with genuine support and concern. My friends like Reese and Kim are to the point where they are willing to practically put their lives on hold to be there for me. It's overwhelming to know that people care about you that much. I have people calling me that I don't even know volunteering to help me, pray for me and just be there for me. I thank GOD that I have such good friends and I will cherish them.
People I haven't spoken to in years are calling like we just spoke yesterday. The biggest thing that happened was my Father who I haven't spoken to for a while called me. It wasn't how I wanted it to be but I know he does care about me at least. So that meant a lot to me. Thank you everyone for your prayers and words of encouragement!
Post #5- After The Cancer Diagnosis
So after I was told I cried and got really scared. Then I realised that GOD has been guiding this situation the whole time and I really have received a miracle. Why you may ask? If I hadn't gotten into the accident and been hit twice ( which is unheard of) by the same car on the highway. The bruising would never had bled into the cancer tumor and it would have went undetected because it could not be felt through a regular breast exam and I am too young for the suggested yearly mammograms. The second part of the miracle was my sudden fever and having to go to the hospital before my scheduled aspiration because they would have not known about the high white blood cell count. So when I realised that GOD had been carrying me this whole time. I got it together. Got in the car and started calling and making the appointments for the Oncologist, Radiological oncologist, Bilateral MRI and my Breast Cancer advocate.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Post #4- Cancer Diagnosis
October 21st, I had my surgery. I was so scared I had never been put to sleep before. Shoot Dilandin didn't do it. The surgery went well. I was in pain but it was bearable. I was just happy it was out. The Doctor came in and told me he had removed a lemon sized mass and he was going to send it out for a biopsy. He filled the section that was removed with saline so i wouldn't have a big dent in my breast. He told me to see him in 7-10 days, take my antibiotics and gave me a perscription for percocet. Which I never got filled, lol. I took the pain I didn't even want to take Tylenol after my experience.
On October 30th, I though I was just going to get my bandages removed and be on my way. My appointment was for 1:30 but I got there at 1:00 and they immediately took me in. I sat down the nurse came in removed my bandages then my Doctor came in. He said, "Hi Sunshine". He then sat down his eyes were red like he wanted to cry. He then told me the mass they took out had cancer in it. He said I had breast cancer. I am crying as I type this I didn't cry at all yesterday 10/31 but it is hard to relive that moment. I am catching up on my days because I just started the blog last night. By tomorrow I will be caught up because we ( you read are going with me through this whole journey) have to go the the oncologist on Monday.
When he told me I was in shock. He was in shock. Everyone was in shock. No one expected this, especially me! All this time I thought it was just a cyst or hematoma. The first thought I had was that I wasn't ready to die. This is hard right now my chest is hurting I am going to gather myself and finish later. I am promising myself to be caught up by tomorrow. Since I found on 10/30 it seems like months have passed. So much has happened and I have to tell you about it but right now I have I have to take a break.. I'll be back
On October 30th, I though I was just going to get my bandages removed and be on my way. My appointment was for 1:30 but I got there at 1:00 and they immediately took me in. I sat down the nurse came in removed my bandages then my Doctor came in. He said, "Hi Sunshine". He then sat down his eyes were red like he wanted to cry. He then told me the mass they took out had cancer in it. He said I had breast cancer. I am crying as I type this I didn't cry at all yesterday 10/31 but it is hard to relive that moment. I am catching up on my days because I just started the blog last night. By tomorrow I will be caught up because we ( you read are going with me through this whole journey) have to go the the oncologist on Monday.
When he told me I was in shock. He was in shock. Everyone was in shock. No one expected this, especially me! All this time I thought it was just a cyst or hematoma. The first thought I had was that I wasn't ready to die. This is hard right now my chest is hurting I am going to gather myself and finish later. I am promising myself to be caught up by tomorrow. Since I found on 10/30 it seems like months have passed. So much has happened and I have to tell you about it but right now I have I have to take a break.. I'll be back
Post #3 -I Never Had Pain Medicine Like This,The Dilandin Experience!
October 20th, I was happy because the mass was going to out but I was still in a lot of pain. My family and friends came to see me. The nurse gave me a percocet after I had the aspiration. It took away the pain somewhat but I didn't make me sleepy. So I really wanted to sleep and be pain free so the nurses checked with my Doctor and he said I could have Dilandin. Which I later found out was in the morphine family. The nurses promised me when I took this my pain would be gone and I would have a good sleep. So it was about 7 pm and they said I could have another percocet if I wanted but I told them I would deal with the pain and just wait until 11pm so I could get a good sleep. So my family and friends left. I was getting ready for my good sleep. Made my calls to everyone because I just knew I was going to be knocked out once I took this medicine.
So 11 o'clock came the nurse comes in with the medicine puts it in my IV and asked me had I ever had dilandin before. I said no and she said well it might make you feel a little strange at first. I didn't care because they said I would sleep and be pain free so who cares about a little strangeness. I have been walking around with a lemon in my breast for the last three months. That's strange, lol. So when it hit my veins it burns like fire, it then set my neck on fire and my head felt light. It was the worst feeling, but I took it because I thought it was going to be my saving grace for that night. WELL IT WASN'T. That stuff had me tripping. I was watching Family Guy, I thought Stewie was coming out the TV. The room started spinning like I was on a merry go round. I had to close my eyes because I felt nauseous. So I call my friend and was like I am high I think. He laughed and was like yeah. So I got off the phone and tried to get myself together. I had momentary lapses of sanity then it was over. I could not sleep, I was dizzy so I had to keep my eyes closed but I was not sleepy!!!! The pain was gone and then the madness started. I had to go to the bathroom. I was high so I didn't think to call the nurse. I couldn't figure out at first how to get my legs to move out of the bed. When I did, I unplugged the IV pole and drug it to the bathroom door. I thought I tried to open the door but I didn't and for some reason I thought someone had locked me out the bathroom. I was high! So I had to go bad because I had been dehydrated so they had me on all this liquid IV saline solution. I'm dragging the IV pole around the room. I was about to pee in the trash can but something said no they will see it. So my mind was there but really not there. So I start going through the cabinets I see a big diaper and I think no. So I look out my door because I felt paranoid, still dragging the IV pole. Then I see the sink in the room. Mind you this sink is high and it had a cabinet that jutted out over it. I leaped up with the IV pole on the sink and went to the bathroom. All I could think of was that I am high as SH**!!!!! Then I started saying to myself why do people get high. So you know, I started pondering all the questions of the universe. I get back in the bed and then think oh no I might have gotten Staph on my butt. So I jump out of bed and put the hand sanitizer on the wall on my butt. It's like I was watching myself do all this crazy stuff. So as soon as I get back in the bed I have to go to the bathroom again. I looked at the sink and couldn't figure out how I got up there the first time. So I open up the bottom cabinet and step on there and use the sink again. By this time I am hearing all kind of noises in the bathroom so I definitely wasn't going in there cause I thought someone was purposely locking me out the bathroom. I get back in bed again. Head spinning now it's about 3 am and the nurse comes in and she sees I am not sleep. She says I must be having an adverse reaction to the medicine because I was sweating and I wasn't asleep. ADVERSE REACTION YA THINK!!! I never told her about the bathroom monster. So a little later I was back on my makeshift toilet. This was the last time, the third time, lmao..it blew my high because as I got down the nurse came in. It was pitch black in my room and she asked what I was doing I said washing my hands. She looked at me crazy I guess I looked at her crazy..I was high. ( I learned you lie good and fast when you high, I don't know if I would have thought of that so fast sober, lol) So after that I started coming down. I went and tried the bathroom door and it had been open all the time. After that I said I will definitely say NO TO DRUGS!
So 11 o'clock came the nurse comes in with the medicine puts it in my IV and asked me had I ever had dilandin before. I said no and she said well it might make you feel a little strange at first. I didn't care because they said I would sleep and be pain free so who cares about a little strangeness. I have been walking around with a lemon in my breast for the last three months. That's strange, lol. So when it hit my veins it burns like fire, it then set my neck on fire and my head felt light. It was the worst feeling, but I took it because I thought it was going to be my saving grace for that night. WELL IT WASN'T. That stuff had me tripping. I was watching Family Guy, I thought Stewie was coming out the TV. The room started spinning like I was on a merry go round. I had to close my eyes because I felt nauseous. So I call my friend and was like I am high I think. He laughed and was like yeah. So I got off the phone and tried to get myself together. I had momentary lapses of sanity then it was over. I could not sleep, I was dizzy so I had to keep my eyes closed but I was not sleepy!!!! The pain was gone and then the madness started. I had to go to the bathroom. I was high so I didn't think to call the nurse. I couldn't figure out at first how to get my legs to move out of the bed. When I did, I unplugged the IV pole and drug it to the bathroom door. I thought I tried to open the door but I didn't and for some reason I thought someone had locked me out the bathroom. I was high! So I had to go bad because I had been dehydrated so they had me on all this liquid IV saline solution. I'm dragging the IV pole around the room. I was about to pee in the trash can but something said no they will see it. So my mind was there but really not there. So I start going through the cabinets I see a big diaper and I think no. So I look out my door because I felt paranoid, still dragging the IV pole. Then I see the sink in the room. Mind you this sink is high and it had a cabinet that jutted out over it. I leaped up with the IV pole on the sink and went to the bathroom. All I could think of was that I am high as SH**!!!!! Then I started saying to myself why do people get high. So you know, I started pondering all the questions of the universe. I get back in the bed and then think oh no I might have gotten Staph on my butt. So I jump out of bed and put the hand sanitizer on the wall on my butt. It's like I was watching myself do all this crazy stuff. So as soon as I get back in the bed I have to go to the bathroom again. I looked at the sink and couldn't figure out how I got up there the first time. So I open up the bottom cabinet and step on there and use the sink again. By this time I am hearing all kind of noises in the bathroom so I definitely wasn't going in there cause I thought someone was purposely locking me out the bathroom. I get back in bed again. Head spinning now it's about 3 am and the nurse comes in and she sees I am not sleep. She says I must be having an adverse reaction to the medicine because I was sweating and I wasn't asleep. ADVERSE REACTION YA THINK!!! I never told her about the bathroom monster. So a little later I was back on my makeshift toilet. This was the last time, the third time, lmao..it blew my high because as I got down the nurse came in. It was pitch black in my room and she asked what I was doing I said washing my hands. She looked at me crazy I guess I looked at her crazy..I was high. ( I learned you lie good and fast when you high, I don't know if I would have thought of that so fast sober, lol) So after that I started coming down. I went and tried the bathroom door and it had been open all the time. After that I said I will definitely say NO TO DRUGS!
Post #2 -GOD helping again and again- 10/18/2008
So now I have been living with this painful mass for over three months. I am ready to have my aspiration on the 10/21. No one even knows I am in pain except for a few close friends and family members. I haven't been active as far as my music career since the accident because of the mass. I have just been recording but a great new opportunity opened up. I was blessed to have been given the opportunity to become an on-air radio personality on Radio One WOLB 1010 am while I was recuperating from the accident.
So you know I was doing my day to day things and on Sunday, 10/18, I woke up not feeling quite right. You know the flu was going around and I was really feeling bad. First thought that came to mind was I hope the hematoma didn't pop because the area was really hot. My temperature spiked to 102 degrees so off to the hospital I went. I went to the hospital where I was going to get the aspiration on the following Tuesday. I was told I had a lot of bacteria in my urine, my temp was going down and my wbc was 17,000. So they thought I may have had pneumonia, bronchitis, urinary tract infection and a breast infection. That was a lot of stuff. For one I had no symptoms of a urinary tract infection and women you know we know when we have one. Bronchitis maybe, lol. Well they put me on IV antibiotics and admitted me for what they called a short stay until my Doctor did his round on Monday.
Monday, October 20,(5am) since they thought I was going to be a short stay they put me in this room with this women. She was out of order! Kept the TV on all night and had gas like you wouldn't believe. The worst part of it was that she would go into the bathroom with the back of her gown fully opened and passed gas while she was walking into the bathroom. It was a sight!!!! LMAO! So the nurse comes in around 9:00am and tells me I am going to have my aspiration done as soon as my Doctor finishes surgery. I am so happy! So my Doctor actually came and got me and wheeled me to the out patient ER and did the aspiration. It hurt like hell! No anesthesia! Just my breast and a long needle. It is suppose to be smaller than a blood draw needle but it seemed like a biggest needle I every saw. So he aspirated out all blood, it wasn't a lot and the lump went down just a little. He poked around and the rest of the stuff in there was solid. It does not feel good to have a needle digging in your breast. So he then tells me I'll have to have surgery tomorrow to remove it because it wasn't as much liquid as he thought and he was going to biopsy it. I'm still under the assumption it was not cancerous so I didn't even think about the biopsy. I was just happy that it was finally going to be out and I would be able to move on with my life.
So after the aspiration my nurse came and got me. She told me a private room had just become available and she was going to work her magic and get me out of the room with gas women. She did and off to my private room I went. Then the fun started the pain relievers hmmm. I don't take medicine so my experience was off the hook, lol.
This link gives information on cyst aspiration.
http://breastcancer.about.com/od/breastbiopsy/p/fnab.htm
So you know I was doing my day to day things and on Sunday, 10/18, I woke up not feeling quite right. You know the flu was going around and I was really feeling bad. First thought that came to mind was I hope the hematoma didn't pop because the area was really hot. My temperature spiked to 102 degrees so off to the hospital I went. I went to the hospital where I was going to get the aspiration on the following Tuesday. I was told I had a lot of bacteria in my urine, my temp was going down and my wbc was 17,000. So they thought I may have had pneumonia, bronchitis, urinary tract infection and a breast infection. That was a lot of stuff. For one I had no symptoms of a urinary tract infection and women you know we know when we have one. Bronchitis maybe, lol. Well they put me on IV antibiotics and admitted me for what they called a short stay until my Doctor did his round on Monday.
Monday, October 20,(5am) since they thought I was going to be a short stay they put me in this room with this women. She was out of order! Kept the TV on all night and had gas like you wouldn't believe. The worst part of it was that she would go into the bathroom with the back of her gown fully opened and passed gas while she was walking into the bathroom. It was a sight!!!! LMAO! So the nurse comes in around 9:00am and tells me I am going to have my aspiration done as soon as my Doctor finishes surgery. I am so happy! So my Doctor actually came and got me and wheeled me to the out patient ER and did the aspiration. It hurt like hell! No anesthesia! Just my breast and a long needle. It is suppose to be smaller than a blood draw needle but it seemed like a biggest needle I every saw. So he aspirated out all blood, it wasn't a lot and the lump went down just a little. He poked around and the rest of the stuff in there was solid. It does not feel good to have a needle digging in your breast. So he then tells me I'll have to have surgery tomorrow to remove it because it wasn't as much liquid as he thought and he was going to biopsy it. I'm still under the assumption it was not cancerous so I didn't even think about the biopsy. I was just happy that it was finally going to be out and I would be able to move on with my life.
So after the aspiration my nurse came and got me. She told me a private room had just become available and she was going to work her magic and get me out of the room with gas women. She did and off to my private room I went. Then the fun started the pain relievers hmmm. I don't take medicine so my experience was off the hook, lol.
This link gives information on cyst aspiration.
http://breastcancer.about.com/od/breastbiopsy/p/fnab.htm
Post #1 -Background Information- 6/3/2008- 10/18/2008
On June 3, 2008, I was in a car accident. ( Even though now I believe there are no accidents in life) I was hit in the back twice on the highway. I suffered severe trauma to my left breast, chest, back and knee. A few days later I had sever pain in my left breast and I noticed a lump for the first time. It felt like it was somewhere between the size of an acorn and a walnut. Long story short, I got a mammogram then and then I was told while I was there I needed an ultrasound. Well here is the results from my left breast from from the tests:
Mammogram
There is a lobulated 3.5 cm mass in the the upper outer left breast which corresponds with the palable mass. There are other soft tissue masses in the left breast and also the right breast. In the right breast, the largest mass is in the lateral right breast and measures 2.5 cm.
Ultrasound
The painful palable mass in the outer left breast at 2 o'clock corresponds with a sold or complex 3.1 x2.5 x 2.5 cm mass. There are many other cyst in the left breast including a 1.2 x 1.5 cm cluster of cysts at 12 o'clock in the left breast.
In the right breast, there are multiple cysts. The largest is at 8 o'clock and measures 2.6 x1.9 x 1.2 cm
Impression
Bilateral nodules, asymmetry and calcifications. The palpable mass in the left breast is complex or solid. Aspiration is suggested. Follow- up bilateral mammogram and ultrasound are also recommended in 4 months.
BI-RADS 3-PROBABLE BENIGN FINDING
BI-RADS 3 Probably Benign Finding - Definition
Initial Short-Interval Follow-Up Suggested:A finding placed in this category should have less than a 2% risk of malignancy. It is not expected to change over the follow-up interval, but the radiologist would prefer to establish its stability.
Lesions appropriately placed in this category include:
Nonpalpable, circumscribed mass on a baseline mammogram (unless it can be shown to be a cyst, an intramammary lymph node, or another benign finding), Focal asymmetry which becomes less dense on spot compression view Cluster of punctate calcifications
http://www.radiologyassistant.nl/en/4349108442109 This link explains about Bi-rad rating system.
So from this I found out I had a lot of fluid filled cysts. Which I later found out most of the women in my family had. So after looking at the x-rays all the Doctors told me that it was not cancer it was a just that the bruising had bled into one of the a pre-existing cysts causing a hematoma. It was nothing to worry about it would be painful but it would dissolve. My surgeon told me if it becomes too painful then he would aspirate it.
From 6/3/08-10/18/08, the mass went from this little thing that I could feel with my hand to this big thing that wouldn't allow my left arm to sit firmly against my body. At times it appeared like it would get smaller. What was crazy was that every time I got mad it seemed like it would get bigger. lol...I am very high strung so it was crazy having this thing sticking out of my breast. I kept telling my friend something was wrong but they had went to the appointments with me heard what I heard. So I kept going until it got to the point in October that I couldn't even lay on my sleep. When I layed on my back it felt like my breathe was being taken. When I layed on my right or left side the pain was excruciating. I called the surgeon because I was ready for the aspiration. I figured it was full of blood so they could drain it, the pressure would be gone and I could go on my merry way. So I called to make an appointment , they didn't call me back fast enough so I went to the office to make an appointment. Due to the fact it had been over three months I had to see the Doctor again before he would aspirate. So I saw him on the October 16th and I was scheduled to have it aspirated on October 21st. They really worked me in fast because I was in so much pain. Well needless to say that was just the beginning of the drama!
Mammogram
There is a lobulated 3.5 cm mass in the the upper outer left breast which corresponds with the palable mass. There are other soft tissue masses in the left breast and also the right breast. In the right breast, the largest mass is in the lateral right breast and measures 2.5 cm.
Ultrasound
The painful palable mass in the outer left breast at 2 o'clock corresponds with a sold or complex 3.1 x2.5 x 2.5 cm mass. There are many other cyst in the left breast including a 1.2 x 1.5 cm cluster of cysts at 12 o'clock in the left breast.
In the right breast, there are multiple cysts. The largest is at 8 o'clock and measures 2.6 x1.9 x 1.2 cm
Impression
Bilateral nodules, asymmetry and calcifications. The palpable mass in the left breast is complex or solid. Aspiration is suggested. Follow- up bilateral mammogram and ultrasound are also recommended in 4 months.
BI-RADS 3-PROBABLE BENIGN FINDING
BI-RADS 3 Probably Benign Finding - Definition
Initial Short-Interval Follow-Up Suggested:A finding placed in this category should have less than a 2% risk of malignancy. It is not expected to change over the follow-up interval, but the radiologist would prefer to establish its stability.
Lesions appropriately placed in this category include:
Nonpalpable, circumscribed mass on a baseline mammogram (unless it can be shown to be a cyst, an intramammary lymph node, or another benign finding), Focal asymmetry which becomes less dense on spot compression view Cluster of punctate calcifications
http://www.radiologyassistant.nl/en/4349108442109 This link explains about Bi-rad rating system.
So from this I found out I had a lot of fluid filled cysts. Which I later found out most of the women in my family had. So after looking at the x-rays all the Doctors told me that it was not cancer it was a just that the bruising had bled into one of the a pre-existing cysts causing a hematoma. It was nothing to worry about it would be painful but it would dissolve. My surgeon told me if it becomes too painful then he would aspirate it.
From 6/3/08-10/18/08, the mass went from this little thing that I could feel with my hand to this big thing that wouldn't allow my left arm to sit firmly against my body. At times it appeared like it would get smaller. What was crazy was that every time I got mad it seemed like it would get bigger. lol...I am very high strung so it was crazy having this thing sticking out of my breast. I kept telling my friend something was wrong but they had went to the appointments with me heard what I heard. So I kept going until it got to the point in October that I couldn't even lay on my sleep. When I layed on my back it felt like my breathe was being taken. When I layed on my right or left side the pain was excruciating. I called the surgeon because I was ready for the aspiration. I figured it was full of blood so they could drain it, the pressure would be gone and I could go on my merry way. So I called to make an appointment , they didn't call me back fast enough so I went to the office to make an appointment. Due to the fact it had been over three months I had to see the Doctor again before he would aspirate. So I saw him on the October 16th and I was scheduled to have it aspirated on October 21st. They really worked me in fast because I was in so much pain. Well needless to say that was just the beginning of the drama!
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