Post #36- Concerns..Concerned... CONTENT!!!

My life has been a whirlwind since 10/30/08. Now I am going into the second phase of treatment. Mentally I am exhausted and very tired. Physically I ave some concerns and I am going to call my Doctors tomorrow because I think I might have lymphedema.

Lymphedema is the chronic swelling or feeling of tightness in the arm or hand due to an accumulation of lymphatic fluid in the soft tissue of the arm. The condition occurs when lymph vessels, which normally carry excess fluid out of the limbs and back into central circulation, have had their flow interrupted. Axillary (underarm) lymph node removal is commonly performed on breast cancer patients to stage or treat their cancer. However, between 15% and 20% of breast cancer patients who undergo axillary lymph node removal develop lymphedema. According to the American Cancer Society, of the two million breast cancer survivors in the U.S., approximately 400,000 must cope with lymphedema on a daily basis.

I've noticed swelling on my left side and I fell tightness in my face on the left side. It's went down a whole lot but I still have a collection of lymph fluid under my arm and on my upper left side. There is so many after effects of cancer and cancer treatment. I am really, really just emotionally, mentally and physically drained. I am getting to the point that I just don't want to be bothered. It's so crazy because women over 40 seem to fair much better than women under 40. Under 40 the cancer is more aggressive and your risks for getting lymphedema are higher. This could be something else I have to deal with for the rest of my life. The more I get into this the more aggravating it's getting. People just don't understand. They think just because I am getting treated for the cancer I am good. They don't even know about all the other things that go along with it and the effects that it will have on the rest of my life. I pray GOD gives me the extra strength that I need to jump over this hurdle. My mind has been like a cluttered computer with all this programs running at the same time. Today I wanted to pick up the last things I needed up from my house but forget it. I'll do it tomorrow after my 3 Doctors appointments, maybe four once I tell them about these lymphedema symptoms.

I am starting not to like to talk to people because it seems like it's always something else wrong with me or now I am just not telling them. I don't know what's worse. I am not used to complaining and being in a down trodden mood. However, everyone told me to feel and experience the pain because even Jesus wept and it is not a sign that my faith is weak. I am used to being upbeat all the time but I guess I am human, lol. I have too much time to sit and think about things now. I think a lot about the past, a lot about the mistakes I have made, the things people have done to me, the things I have done to people and how 2008 changed my life forever. My life has built up to this cancer. What's crazy is the cancer was not the worst thing that happened to me. This year was a year of realization for me prior to the cancer. Death, sorrow, betrayal, treachery, self realization, self actualization, pain, redemption, truth, renewal and rebirth were all brought to me this year served to me on a silver platter starting January 1, 2008. The people I thought in the beginning of the year who appeared to be closest to me were illusions and deceptive but nothing can happen to you unless you allow it. The people who were true and real I had clouded under misconceptions, hurt and misunderstandings. People close to me died throughout the year starting January 1, 2008. Business was good, the music was kicking off. I took a leap of faith and went back to school for pharmacy to have a back up career. Got into a car accident, school was derailed. I had some big shows scheduled ( canceled cause I was hurt). All the people who were scheming on me were exposed or exposed themselves for what they were and why they were with me ( GOD bless them because they brought about the biggest brightest change in me because of their evil doings).

This year was my rebirth spiritually, mentally and with the cancer physically. I was dealing with the spiritual and mental part months before I found out I had cancer. Getting my house, my temple in order so I guess it would make sense for GOD to set up a situation so the cancer could be found. Your body is really a reflection of your mind so since I was consciously getting my mind in order my body had to follow suit. We all are a sum of our experiences my experiences have been awful! I realized though that I can change that with GOD's help. I am realizing and discovering what's really me, what I have adopted from experiences and what defense mechanisms I have employed that I can put down now due to my life's experiences that aren't really me. So with the cancer program running, it's a lot of other things running along with it. How I am seeing it is the cancer is the last stage of my renewal.

To all those people who thought and did betray me, deceive me and everything in between. Thank You! You were just a part of GOD's plan to purify me and make me better. As of today I am not holding on to it because I see it for what it was. We fall down but we get up :) I fell down real low but look at how high I am flying now and I am battling cancer. Imagine how high I will be flying after my cancer is gone because I am freeing myself from the past and focusing on the the future with a new way of thinking. I was successful before and my thinking and judgement wasn't exactly right all the time. Now just imagine what I will be doing now that my thinking and judgement is right with no hang ups or issues. I can see clearly now the rain and the veil that I put over my eyes is gone. The sky is the limit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The wisest person I know told me I have a second chance at life and they want me to run with it and be happy! This is the only person that has stuck by me through thick, thicker and the thickest, lol...When I was totally insane to downright commitable, when I did things I know I shouldn't have done to when I suffered the consequences for doing them. Through the good times and the bad times and everything in between. THANK YOU!!!! You never want credit but you know who you are.

My life will be my own. I will choose very carefully who I let in and I am talking about eye of a needle type careful. I realize I allowed everything to happen to me that happened but I value my life and myself too too too much to ever let it happen again! I also have some plans to help other young women ( who have grown up in similar situations like me) so they will not allow things to happen to them that happened to me. They will be the captains of their own destinies from early on. I haven't gone and I am not going through this for nothing!!!!! Negative always works for positive!!