Post #27- Things Will Never Be The Same, Saturday, November 29, 2008

I'm jumping around because I have to. There are a lot of things that have happened between 11/21 and today (11/29) and I will get back to those things because they are very important. Since last night I have been on edge. When you realize your life has changed for good it can be devastating. When you know and FINALLY ACCEPT that you and GOD are all that you really have is liberating in one sense because you know GOD will always be there, always be strong and never waiver. That's faith in a nut shell. However, when you are here on earth there are things as a human being you need. Food, shelter and clothing......I have all of those things. When you are dealing with cancer your needs become greater. Unfortunately I perceived that all my needs were not being met so I had to examine my situation and thought patterns. I believe and have faith that I am being allowed to go through a lot of things because I am stronger than I think I am and have not yet taped into my reserves of strength, determination and will power. Have you ever had someone be there all your life and you take for granted that they will always be there. Whether it be physically or emotionally they have your back. Then you realize and you see that they are only human like you and that they have to get their life in order to save there self. Of course this always seems to happens when you think you need them the most. That's the situation I am in. This is how I see it everything happens for a reason and GOD is a jealous GOD. My contentment and comfort is and should be a result of my faith and relationship with GOD, not a human being. I have been reading about the negative effects of chemo and radiation. Thinking about my dual surgery I have to get. Thinking about the statistical reoccurrences of cancer , especially since I am so young. Thinking about all the after effects that may happen that I read about. Thinking about that I'm staying somewhere where I really shouldn't have to and should really be with my family and they should be taking care of me but their situations don't permit it. Thinking about how my so called friends and family should act and are bullshit. Thinking about how strangers are there for me and offering and doing things that my so called people should be doing. Thinking about how everyone swung my my ass when they perceived I was on top. True friends, ha ha ha..... Glorified groupies more like it. Thinking about what the pathology report will say Thursday. Thinking about getting a port placed in my body so they can take blood, administer chemo and administer contrast. Thinking about how the person who has so freely opened up their life and will sacrifice months of their life has their own shit to deal with. Oh and it's so much more...... but at the end of the day I realize this is a heavy burden for someone to bear and the only person who truly can take the load and burden off of me is GOD no one else because that's the only person who can carry everybody's loads and not waiver. I have a long fiery road to go down and I may turn to ashes but out of the ashes I will rise like the Phoenix. I'm coming back in every aspect of my life stronger, harder and with new armor. So to my friend who is likened to Superman ( I know you will read this) maybe you are going though your transition now so when I am renewed you will be renewed to. I understand the teachings quit well now. SELF FIRST THEN OTHERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like you said there will be a day after this one, so each person must prepare for their new day.