Post # 18- The Fifth Commandment, The Division, The Ressurrection

I have been struggling with The Fifth Commandment- Honor Thy Father And Mother. This has caused tremendous amounts of stress and sleepless nights. This is something that I have to put a period to heal my body because cancer loves and feeds off of stress.

I copied this from another website:

"Is the Fifth Commandment something that everyone should obey? It’s easy to argue that, as a general principle, honoring one’s parents is a good idea. It would have been especially true in ancient societies where life could be precarious and it’s a good way to ensure the maintenance of important social bonds. To say that it’s good as a general principle is not, however, the same as saying that it should be regarded as an absolute command from God and therefore must be followed in every possible instance.

There are, after all, many people who have suffered greatly at the hands of their parents. There are children who have been emotionally, physically, and even sexually abused by their mothers and fathers. The fact that people in general should honor their parents does not mean that, in these exceptional cases, the same principle should hold. If the survivor of abuse does not feel able to honor their parents, no one should be surprised and no one should try to insist that they act otherwise."

When you have cancer or any life threatening illness it causes you to examine your life, beliefs and philosophies. Cancer also makes you see a thing or a person for what it really is or isn't. When situations like this arise, like a friend told me it brings out the true nature of a person, that being you and the people around you. It also causes you to re-evaluate all things that are in your immediate space, people, places and things. You look around your house for example and you think, should I be using a natural cleaners, what about the chemicals from the dry cleaner, should I get a better air purifier etc... Then you look at where you live, is the pollution too high in Maryland, Is the city water better than the county water, should I grow my own vegetables so I will be free from pesticides. Then... you look at the people around you. First you look at how people treated you before cancer. However, people's true feelings come out after they find out you have cancer. For example it was two people that I told that I know aren't my true friends. Honestly, let me back track I didn't think the were friends but they were associates, now I know they were just groupies. I told them what happened. One person said you about to blow up, the industry is going to be throwing all kind of deals at you because you got cancer. (What the F***) So you know where their mind was. Another person responded well have you lost weight yet, did you lose your figure. (?????????WHAT????) I have heard the gambit of negative replies and that showed me what these people really thought of me. I have some really good people by my side and I am going to post them that because that keeps me lifted.

Like a lot of people I came from a severely discombobulated dysfunctional home. Child of divorce, child of an alcoholic, sexually abused, mentally abused pretty jacked up. This upbringing turned me into a lot of things some good, mostly bad. I raised myself during the years that I needed guidance the most, so you know how that works. I have held onto a lot of things over the years against my parents and I know I have been justified, however, I want to let it go. My Father is making an effort we have been estranged to the point of non existence. I appreciate him coming back I just hope it is for more than a season because I really need him in my life. So he is making an effort so I am can make it work if he can. My Mother on the other hand was an alcoholic and just whew..... I can't even deal with all that stuff with her. She just keeps on being herself. They didn't misdiagnose me, my cancer was rare didn't exhibit any signs of cancer. Her first thing is you know you can sue. (CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) I can't even have her go to the Doctors with me because I am scared she will get smart or start talking about suing somebody( even though she says now she is forgetting about the suing). I had to go off on her to get that out of her head but I know her she still whispering the idea to other people. No amount of money could replace my life and why would I concentrate on anything other than that. (GOD give me super human strength please). Then it was the incident the night before last when she said she wanted to go the Oncologist with me. She thought I was going to say no I said yes but I wanted one of my other Aunts to go also. Then she came back a couple hours later and told me we have to play it by ear because she was feeling my Aunt out because she had a hair dresser appointment. I know for a fact if my Aunt knew I wanted her to go she would have canceled that appointment. My mother never even asked her. So my mother didn't go to the most important appointment that I had. I didn't expect her to anyway ( she has never helped me in the past ) but she thought she was slick and I pulled her card. I also told her don't do that to me again because it's not right for you to ask me can you go and then you say you got to play it by ear. I have come to realize that my Mother is not very maternal she can put on a great front but there are those people who know she is full of it. She is like an undisciplined child. She thinks if she gives you a couple of dollars that she's a good mother. She also has been the cause of me not being close to my Sister because she lies so much. Today I cried hard because I was confirmed my Mother was not maternal I was over her house and feeling bad. I had been talking to one of my friends and was almost in tears. She was on the phone. I walked past her about 6 times do you know she was just a laughing and did not even know or have any intuition that I was in severe mental pain. She stayed on the phone for hours. That was my confirmation. Mothers have intuition when it comes to their children, even my cat knows I am sick. When I cough no matter where he is, whether he is sleep, looking out the window or trying to get into the cabinets,lol.. he flies to my room gets on his hind legs and looks at me. I know he does it because his breath stinks so bad like old fish,lol. So how could your child who you know has just had the cancer diagnosis walk past you with tears in her eyes and not know anything is wrong or even acknowledge it. That says a lot. GOD bless the child who has it's own. If my mother does not change her ways then I will have to part ways with her. I am in a situation that will probably last two years and just because it's localized and in the lymph's I can't get antibiotics and it will go away like an infection. I pray everyday even harder now because regardless of my cancer or a cold or a scratch on my knee I want to live. What I am saying is that I am not going to let no one stand in my way to recovery. GOD has given me so much and when it's all said in done we come through our mothers but my Soul is GOD's. It hurts me but not as much as it did earlier. I think it would be sinful to deal with someone who you know will hurt you and doesn't have your best interest at heart when GOD has given you so much. If it is a choice there is no no no no no no no no no choice. I CHOOSE GOD!!! I know he will work it out the way it needs to be worked out. This cancer situation hurts but GOD is working it out. I pray that me and my mother could have a godly, honest relationship. I know I will have to let go and once again let GOD. I can't do it. It just makes me mad and I don't need it right now. So it's out of my hands.

Link below talks about severe psychological stress may be linked to breast cancer:
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/03/080308103341.htm

So now I am going to look for some stress relieving activities. I used to go to the gym but that will be out of the question for a minute. If you have some ideas let me know.